Hey

I know that i failed my english exam and i'm really really upset about it
and WELL this is why i shouldn't be in school

next weekend we are having a christmas party and kate is going to try to come which is cool
if so this is what we will do on friday
-Go to zoolights with ashley
on saturday this is what we will do
-Get drunk and party
on sunday this is what we will do
-Stay at home and not leave, probably recover from party and order food and watch movies/get drunk

And there is my whole weekend planned out!
I guess failing an exam makes you start thinking ahead a bit more...
jk i only think about things i like

In other news i'm wondering what to do for new years..............
i am thinking bowling and getting drunk
no bars...
actually omg that sounds really fun, my 2 favorite things, bowling and getting drunk
that is what i'll do!
Ringing in 2011 by spending 20.11$ on my night ;)

okay well i have to finish homework so bye
bye bye bye

beyebyeebyebeybeybeyebyebeybe

HEY, YOU, READ THIS BLOG, IT'S ABOUT YOU ;)

So i decided that still, i am never going to date, #1 because there are waaaaaaay too many crazies and #2, it still doesn't make sense to me
And i am totallllly cool with that!

In other news i've developed an abhorrent sleeping pattern this past week... not that i ever had a GOOD one, so i'm sure for those of you who know how much i sleep, well, you could only imagine.

This is the last week of classes for this term of university YEHAYEAHEYAH i am going to get sooo drunk after! I hope i pass everything though because that would like... reallllllyyy realllllyyyy suck. i've never been good at final exams so we will see how good of use 13000$ went to!

Also, christmas is coming up YEAHHHAAA that is great news! some other news! we have a bunch of christmas lights strung up everywhere in the house, it gives you such a nice warm fuzzy feeling inside. You can also not walk from the living room to the kitchen without at least one piece of garbage getting stuck to your sock... but i mean, happy bday lil bro.

Here is a funny thing now, i have a huge history research paper due in 3 days and i haven't even started! blahabahablah that's because my body needs to be in panic mode to get anything done ever, and i can't tell if thats something i like or hate yet... but we will see.

My room smells like pee, the cats dont have any food, and i have a perma headache. Im also due for my period in like a couple days so i am in nooo position to be dealing with really appalling/shitty things right now like i am in total complete bitch mode like i could KILL probably! So how about everyone tries really hard not to say anything stupid for the next few days... ill sent a blog out letting you guys know my period arrived and my hormones are back to normal.

OH WAIT............

How about you don't drop my name in your filth hole of a blog....!! there is nothing more incriminating than using DIRECT names, instead of at LEAST USING PSEUDONYMS when you are publicly spreading your filth over the internet...
Don't get me wrong, i don't actually READ your blog because it could give me high blood pressure, but i was graciously informed...

i tried biting my lip but i bit my lip off

How about, you cheated on me
how about, you cheated on her
umm oh... oh no! no... uhh nope! nOPE! that's it!!!

oh and by the way, hello! WE'RE LESBIANS! HOOKING UP/FLINGING/TALKING/KNOWING/DATING WITHIN A SHITTY NETWORK IS ALL WE CAN FUCKING DO, PLEASE, GET OVER IT JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS NO ONE IS AGAINST YOU, THE WORLD ISNT OUT TO GET YOU, THINGS JUST HAPPEN, LEARN HOW TO COPE BETTER? I HAVE! YOU CAN DO IT! victimizing yourself in a world of this shit becomes redundant like hello we have all had exes date exes date friends date people we hate

is it everyone in the fucking world with a problem, or is it YOU

WHICH MAKES MORE SENSE?????????????

ALSO HELLO DOES ANYONE HAVE A CAT REPELLENT I MAY BORROW SINCE WHEN DO CATS KNOW HOW TO OPEN DOORS THEY DONT EVEN HAVE THUMBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEST IN MY FUCKING CLOSET WILL YOU SHEDDING YOUR FUCKING COAT ALL OVER EVERYTHING I OWN CANTEVEN TAKEA GODDAMN SHOWER

I need some rhodiola, i also am reading everything i type in Rosie O'Donnell's voice.
i wish you all the best,

smell you later

IBET IT BURNS NOW

Mamboking 5 here,

So moved again into a house with a crack loving beer drinking psychopath in the basement who laughs and talks to himself alllll night long

as Shania Twain says, UP UP UP CAN ONLY GET UP FROM HERE.....................

In other news some more awful fucking shit has happened to me like spilling pop all over my opened laptop, spilling a cup of coffee over a 50$ borrowed text book i can no longer return, im broke, not doing well in school, and obviously having a really good first week with moving out

and i guess i have enough on my plate but i also can't help feel really sad lately. As in a feel like i am missing out on having fun in my 20s. Idk i guess I’ve been hindered with responsibilities since i turned 18 and most of my friends/people i know (MOST) haven't had to deal with as many (or any) such things and i can never do something or hangout, because I’m either working to afford rent/bills/living costs or going to class or doing homework. It’s depressing to think that it will only get worse from here, and none of my other friends are going through this so it’s hard to find anyone to relate to and you always have to be careful about how much you complain to friends... ugh

WHich is also why i'm kind of actually not only upset but really angry. As if i need any more stress, i just don't get why people can't mind their own business.. and I’m not talking about gossiping or anything i mean GUILTY AS CHARGED RITE~ but i mean like people ACTUALLY getting involved in aspects of MY life, and reacting negatively to them. Like I’m talking about things that don’t directly, or in any way affect them, yet they still find energy to bother with it? I mean i only WISHHH i had the free time to care that indepthly about something someone i baarely know is doing. And don't get me wrong im not like flattering myself, obviously no one cares about things ACTUALLY, but ugh IDK like i feel like i have to avoid things or censor things that i really shouldn’t have to, just because i don't want people to judge me.... I mean i should have spit in your face when you even tried to talk to me about anything is what I’m trying to say but then I’d not only keep my 'paula is a shitty people' title but gain a 'paula is pretty crazy' and THEN what? But i guess me caring is abbooout the same as other people even begggiiining to judge me in any way, right?

I GUESS i just feel scared and defensive because i don't have many friends anymore and just one of those 'whole world is against' me feelings, and i feel like if i never touched another girl or talked to one since my last relationship i wouldn't feel like that. Know what i mean? I feel like I’m being oppressed in some little way that feels significant because I’m just like... living... and doing things..... and IDK i guess I’m also sad because i always felt like since I’m a lesbian, i should have a group of lesbian friends and do fun things with. But I’ve never been a part of any group, and I’ve never had any good friends except for cally and tyler, and ashley i guess, and that’s just it. And i suppose it’s my own fault because I’m really awful at maintaining friendships because i get overwhelmed really easily and feel like no one will like me when I’m serious and it’s so hard to be funny and witty ALL the time and then i just feel annoying and then i just give up conversation until the person eventually gives up TRYING to have one with me at all.
It’s just like a QQ I’m left out kind of thing because
-I’m bad at keeping friends
-I’m busy alllll the time
-i suck ??????????????/

I mean I’ve never really given a fuck about who my ex's date and shit i mean, EX'S, you know what i mean? I mean like why should i, why should i care who my bestfriends ex is seeing, i mean even if my bestfriend was upset about it, why i should ME, I, in particular care? I mean i guess i should just avoid bars altogether if my experiences are poor, but i mean I’m mad because they shouldn't be. I should be able to go out and have fun and BE 20 without ewewefhdsfdsdjsdhfksdjfhsdkfjhfdsfsdf yuck
And i mean maybe I’m just being neurotic and I’m just creating problems that don’t exist in my head but it’s just how i feel. i mean I’m probably just paranoid because i feel guilty, as per usual, but i mean i don’t even have any proof that my oppression exists, i guess, except for maybe one case OH WELL THIS STOPPED MAKING SENSE 8 PARAGRAPHS AGO AND MY SPACEBAR IS BROKE SO THIS IS ALL

also just scratched my back with a knife i am keeping close by for protection from the human filth bag downstairs

**note to self wash knife

hmmm

I allllllllllllllllready know what's going to happen but it's not like i'm wasting any time, which i juuust realized which was not what i was dwelling on when i first started typing so change of plans it actually doesn't suck and it actually doesn't matter YES 10/10
don't you love when that happens?

Also it's a shame i guess that i haven't been keeping records of whats happened in my life since Aug 4th i believe cause judging by my moms premature signs of alzheimers i may be losing my mind sooner than anticipated guLPP

Not with Tiff anymore, don't have Jude anymore, Quasi died (RIP), got a new cat Princess Poncho, and I moved out with siblings, got evicted, in process of finding new house, also started university

Hmmm my life seems super appealing

Any how, i'm looking forward to being single for the rest of my life because well
I have come to terms with the fact that dating is just unnatural, and it just doesn't work, and it causes unecesarry emotions and conflict in your life, and probably emotions humans aren't even SUPPOSED to feel. but since we've all been conditioned into thinking that dating is something we're just SUPPOSED to do, monogomy esssspecially,it actually just ruins lives, and encourages people to make bad decisions. beeecause when they can't obtain something that doesn't exist, which they feel they are absolutely required to find, depression, self loathing, stress, anxiety, jealousy, and MUCH more begins to fuck with your life. that means work, school, health, happiness and overall well being is effected seveeerely
And we do this cause why? WHY? WHY does no one question these fucking things
Humans are supposed to run around looking for their match........ when there is NOOO proof that we are supposed to be even INTERESTED in that shit and don't even get me staaaaaaaarted on marriage and heterosexuality and NORMS and all this other fucked up shit that plays into "dating" alone
All dating does is make you HATE yourself, HATE others, and makes you feel so fucking alone

EWWWWWWWWW and the thing i HATE the most is i'll proooobably date someone again one day, and i'll let myself be fooled by the "maybe" thing and then realize oh wait....
ughhh its a reaaaal shame that theres no way to untrain my mind that this is actually something i'm supposed to be concerned about............
and it's an even bigger shame that the emotions that stem from it actuaallly have an impact on my life and how i'm able to function
Like thats just downright fucked up isn't it?

But then i get to thinking, whyyyyyyyy fucking fight this?
like i'm already BRAINWASHED why the fuck not WHYYYYYY not just live normally
and stupidly
maybe if i do more nitrous and drink more, the world will become less apalling and i can fit in a little better
I mean i already do fit in pretty well like i have mastered most things but like
oh welllllllllllllllllllllll
I haven't decided if this is something i will protest for the rest of my life, or if ill just give in and date for the novelty effect of it, and then be miserable once it wears off and i'll wait til something significant enough happens where a "dumping" is in order, exercised by either party, and then it will happen all over again!

My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witch, i like this
My Hell, comes from inside it comes from inside myself
why
fight
this


GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEP, I'M STILL FAT

the club can't even handle me right now...

today feels like a good day to get drunk alone! er not in a depressing way though, just for fun
this is the first time in months where i've actually been home alone allll day
if only i didn't have 4 cats...

urgh this is a mental note: PAULA YOUR STUDENT LOAN WILL NOT MAKE IT IN TIME, CALL MT. ROYAL TO LET THEM KNOW AND ASK IF THEY WILL WAVE A FEW DAYS FOR IT TO COME
OH AND PAULA GOOO SEE A FUCKING GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR OR SOMETHING TO SEE IF YOU'RE TAKING THE RIGHT CLASSES

ok this i will do tomorrow.

Hmm i feel like going on a walk err maybe i'll dye my hair or MAYBE i'll start cleaning up this dirt pig filth house.
Does wine have a lot of calories? Maybe i will have a glass of the wine i received in my broke ass care package from my best friends hmmm which reminds me today for dinner i had previously frozen spinach, that i boiled, and ate from a slightly dirty bowl.
1 more day til i get paid 1 more day 1 more day

also my dad keeps peer pressuring me to go over to his house, where he isnt even HOME, to see my grandparents and Bridget who i have not spoken to since my birthday begining of april. Like AS. IF. I told him im too uncomfortable im sorry blahblah ill come by tomorrow to bring cake blahblah and hes having none of it, which infuriates me how can he be such a jackass when i'm putting aside my pride to DEAL with something and CONFRONT him when i COULD OF JUST AVOIDED HIS TEXTS ALLLL DAY he is IMPOSSSIIBLLE
long story short, i'm not going... l.o.l.
woops looks like my grandparents won't be acknowledging me on my brithday or sending me money anymore!!! oH wait...

anyways like the clouds and the wind can fuck off now like it's been 2 weeks since there's been a day where it was nice all the way through.. not just in the morning and then changes to dirt...

anyways incase yall were wondering... YEP, IM STILL FAT

in another news lil JUDE is for sale, come get him while he's hot!

a starvin marvin called me

Hello,

this is just a quick blog to document my final days.
I will follow up tomorrow...

As i am in credit card and girlfriend debt, as well as 3 dollars short of rent and 4 dollars short for bus tickets,
i am finding it very hard to purchase vital and essential items to keep me alive:
fooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

If cribs were to come to my house they would find 4 cats, garbage, dishes stacked to the roof, dirty litter boxes, and a fridge that contains rice milk, 1 chicken breast, and condiments, with a box of flax seed cereal quickly depleating on the counter and some green tea and vitamins
I mean i am POOR like officially dirt broke as shit poor, this is going to be the longest weeeek of my life not to mention that we can't afford toilet paper and have been using a roll of paper towel that is almost gone...

This is why i never want to take time off work eveeerrr again taking off ONE week made it nearrrrllly impossible to pay rent, minimal left overs to buy some semblance of groceries, and literally one night out. I can't even afford to pay my phone bill agaaain... so i am really happy! I am SURE they paid me wrong on top of the lack of hours i worked ..AS PER USUAL but whaaaaaaatever ughugguhgughgughugh this is awful what if my cats run out of food THENNN WHATTT i'll have to eat the weakest one i guess.

So i decided that when i get paid i am putting 200 to septembers rent and the rest towards my visa which wouldn't even pay it off lol... but then i can just use my visa for shit and that should make me careful with money cause i haaate using it i don't even want to KNOW what it's at right now ooh my god cutting it pretty close to maxing it out i'm SURE dsfghd9fasfsjfhdlkj

Also my diet is going okay which remind me i have to still go running really quick so i can take a nap before my treck to shitty asshole work because i slept for maybe 5 hours urgh i am starving lol this sucks because now if i lose weight it will only be water weight and as soon as i can afford food again my body will afford fat again and EWWW what a depressing thought!
Anyways tomorrow is 2 straight weeks of diet and exercise so far minimal results maybe i am just miserable because i am POOR POORPOORPOOR

anyways tyler sold me cool pattern tape for a dollar and i will go decorate my hunger away HARAHRAHAR just kidding i am not THAT hungry i mean i just had a disgusting bowl of flax seed bran baAAaarf okay well i got to go to my online banking now, and cash advance some money to my debit so i can pay rent lol what is it today the 30th? 31st? woops

okay see you guys later

love,
starvin marvin

i still like blogger better

It seems like i only blog when i'm in PMS mode and want to kill kill die die
Roberts here for i dunno how long and hes probably sleeping and i unno if i can watch tv
right now i am in jacks room on his bed while he is sleeping and maybe i should go to bed but i hate my bedroom and there is cat piss and shit all over everything nothing is safe and this whoooole apartment feels less and less like a home.

Maybe the pain receptors in my ankle are just setting off RAGE signals

also "i hope youre embarrassed actually, i really dont care what you have to say get bent you are suuuuch a hypocrite never. everrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. again. i dont think i can pinpoint the moment it all just stoppe..." this probably wasn't supposed to still be in news feeds but there are something you jsut can't delete from good ol internets!

In sylvan lake i got too excited about bringing back pizza menus that i soome how twisted my ankle between a sidewalk and parking stall and fell in slow motion with the menus flying in the air and then i layed there in agony calling my brother to send help! i think that was my favorite part of the trip. actually maybe it was losing my wallet with my ID VISA DEBIT CARD and some other important/sentimental garbage i kept in there, along with receipts and notes. Ughhhh i really like the mosquito bites covering my entiiire body i always forget that mosquitos exist eveery year and then i am reminded.
Jk my real favorite part was Danielle saying "well i just talked to Vespa on the phone.." to the scary motel manager and Jessica saying "Danielle... her real name isn't Vespa..." and Danielle just bursting out laughing and oh man i wish i could relive that moment for evvver its one of those things that you will remember in your head one day walking alone and you will start to laugh out loud

I don't think i will go to work tomorrow because A) i can't walk and B) i don't feel like it, and maybe i will go to the doctors just to make suuure i didnt break anything although i probably didnt because i drink so much milk umm i am really excited for tomorrow actually cause Rachel and Rah are the funnest and we are going to watch the parade and get pancakes, they are just the kind of people that always want to do real fun and really appealing things and i love food (DUH>..) and festivities so actually maybe i will go to bed wake up early for coffee and laundry and stuff i should probably shower lol............................ but yeah

right now all i can smell is the concauction(sp?) i made for Jessica that tastes like soy sauce and molasses that i thought actually tasted pretty good, too bad the oil separated and it was just..... thick.

What a gross word, anyway i'm gonna see if tifffany wants to hanggggggg before bed but probably not cause i just recently sassed her and my guess is that she issss in bed and thats the worst.

Okay well merry JULY and stampede and i'm so sorry to anyone who has to take the c-trains south lollllllllllllll sux 2 b u, i know i know sucks to be you i know it's true

BYE

maylenes and the sons of disaster (gusty like the wind)

i am really itchy and tired and mad and upset and lolllllllllllllllllllllllll waaaaaaaaaaait............................................. how many FUCKING blogs have i started out with this OMG PITY ME I AM SO SAD AND LONELY AND CRAZY PITY ME GUYSSS SCRATCH MY BACK THEN FEEL SORRY FOR ME PLEEAASE!!! AND WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME I'LL KEEP GETTING CRAZIER AND GO AROUND LIGHTING BRIDGES ON FIRE
I'LL SAY HEY GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOING TO GO LIGHT THIS BRIDGE ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!
GOING TO GO LIGHT THIS BRIDGE ON FIRE AND JUMP OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh digging yourself out of something you dug yourself into is always a reallyyyy, really annoying task to come by, i'm sure you all know what i'm talking about.
its like weeding a garden like you don't HAVE to weed it and you know how tedious and annoying its going to be and how long it takes to do and how much effort you have to put in to see little results for a long time.. but if you don't!!.. it's just going to get uglier and worse every day you ignore it. Then your anger and resentments (that aren't even ANYTHING REAL THAT YOU JUST NEUROTICALLY MADE UP IN YOUR HEAD) eventually destroy all the pretty things you have/had available to you.

In this life like weeds, you're just a rock to me.


I have my five days booked off in July, San Fransisco seems enticing lately

boy i sure hope i cheer up soon before i go absolutely fucking nuts lol

morning!

i lieb kaetzli

I have an aching/sharp pain in my leg
actually i have aches and pains starting from my lower back, and it penetrates through every fibre muscle bone and joint to the bottom of both my legs, every time i walk.
And i'm too fucking annoyed to even look THIS shit up because i'm so sick of looking up shit on google every fucking day trying to find someone with the same problem as i'm having and hoping there's a response that says "its nothing. its stress. its anxiety of thinking there's a problem." ORR just clicking the little X in the corner of the screen as soon as i see the word "cancer" and this is just my life. I wonder what it feels like to think about other things, besides dying, or people i love dying, or getting really sick, or disease, or disasters.

I always wonder how i would be if my mom didn't smoke or drink at all during her pregnancy. I wonder if i would be normal or "normal" or be productive and worry free to normal standards or better with social skills or maybe possess the ability to retain information and be able to learn and other things that would have helped me out A LOT during my entire life time. Or maybe that's just an easy way to blame myself being a lazy piece of shit on. WHOOOOOOOOO knows?

Like thinking back throughout my years of school, i should have been kept behind, a FEW times. I was just too fucking proud to admit that i PROBABLY had a learning problem/disability and begged and cried and screamed for my mom not to sign the papers saying i should be held back a grade or go to learning centres or get taken out of french immersion. Instead i promised her every year that i was just lazy and just didn't do my homework and didn't listen, and that it had nothing to do with my intelligence, and she believed me every fucking time when really..... i just DIDN'T understand ANYTHING. EVER. I tried sooo hard to understand and study and nothing ever clicked. Its like my memory just doesn't KNOW how to take in information or ANYTHING. I was the worst at reading comprehension, always. Nothing clicks, nothing registers, and its at the point where i'm actually scared to read anything now. Because i feel like a fucking retard. I don't read books and i don't like reading books because i get so frustrated that i read a page and couldn't tell you 3 points mentioned in it. It takes me sooo long to read a book and sometimes i'll read one and feel sad i didn't get anything deep out of it, probably because i didn't read it properly. And nowww NOW i'm regretting NOT getting help when i could of avoided EVERYTHING like this, and i could of had my parents pay for it, and i could have LIVED if i stayed behind if it meant i got to learn anything in the grades i was in. I ASSED my way through school my entire life. I think teachers felt sorry for me, actually, a lot, which was relieving back then but makes me mad now. I told them the same thing i told my mom, "i'm not interested and lazy, and don't do my homework. i CAN do it." And when actually i wasn't interested cause i didn't understand, and i was lazy because i was avoidant (is that even a word) because i hated the fear and anxiety that ran through my head when i realized no one else was confused but me, and i didn't do my homework because i couldn't.

I actually probably shouldn't even be going to university and i am SOO scared because this is something i've hidden inside for so long and now as september nears i have to come to terms with this and like i don't know find HELP? or SOMETHING? If i FUCK this up i'm 3000 in debt and i will probably just fall into the greatest fucking depression since the 1940s and i don't even know what the fuck i'll do then. NOT LEARN, THATS FOR SURE.

So currently i am freaking out about that, and my leg pain, and money issues, and just fucking everything. I have this deep caving-in feeling in my chest when i think about certain things or people in my life and its an emotional pain i guess and it sucks pretty bad. I guess i have this thing where i just expect people to be NOTHING without me. Like people only show ME their real side or only i understand them or see through them, and then when my friendship dies with someone and i realize they are still living and happy and talking and joking with other friends i get really depressed and sad with that pain in my chest. So i deactivated my FB account because thats just something i can't deal with anymore, and maybe if i can't see it, i won't be so compelled to being bitter and prude and wanting to die. Ew sick like i'm THAT fucking special, that someone would be NOTHING without ME. Like how fucking dare i assume someone might feel empty with my absence. And i don't mean in a self pity way, like OBVIOUSLY there are some people in my life that WOULD care, but i'm talking about JUST a friend of mine. I guess that's another thing i should probably work on, not letting myself think i'm special or rare or ANYTHING like that. Like what would you even call that? I'm sure if i had a vocabulary i could figure out a word but NOPE don't fucking have that because i just WOULDN'T let myself be held back, or WOULDN'T let my mom send me to sylvan learning and nowww i'm fucked over 4 EVER and WOW. Ugh there are so many people i have a problem with right now and the more i realize it doesn't matter to them, the more i realize it shouldn't matter to me and the mooooore i decide on saying FUCK IT and the moree bridges i send up in flames.

Like all i can think about it whyyyyyy don't you miss me :;(9(( :( :( yyyy don't you think i'm cooler than them or her or him :( :( ;( whyYYYyy are they more fun than me :99(((((:( :( :(!!!!!!!!
and then fuuuck uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

but whatever now i'm listening to agree to disagree by meg and dia and everything seems to be fine now atm, because my sudden joint pains that pop up everywhere in my body including my fingers and second and third knuckles ugh what an annoying pain.

Umm what else oh here's a bIIiIIIg fuck UUUUUUUUUU to YOU ugh you evil conniving bitch, you are a BAD BAD BAD person and i'm just a giant hypocrite. Get fucked and i'll get fucked too.

So i spent 35+ dollars on face shit uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh for some reason my skin just all of a sudden decided to become really sensitive especially to the weather and EVERYTHING and this has been going on since i was 17 but this is by FAAAR the worst its every been like i am THEE lizard queen of the fucking world. And my routine was literally scrape off ALL the skin on my face with a pumice until i bled and then applied cover up to cover up my disgusting skin tone and acne scars and red spots from the pumice and then the make up would dry up my face INSTANTLY but i couldn't NOT wear it and ajlSDH(DHSLKJDHS soo i bought a 13$ bottle of spectro gel for blemish prone skin, a 15$ tube of spectro gel exzema care cream and a 10$ bottle of pure vitamin E oil. UGGHHH like can you fucking believe it, but i'm already seeing results i have NEVER seen before using any other method or combination of skin treatments so it was worth it i guess. Except that i think the oil is giving me pimples but tiffany says its not from the oil so i guess ill keep using it for a while until i am suddenly riddled with acne pimples and i'll stop i guess ugh which is annnnoying because i use the oil to reduce the scaring from fucking zits on my face but if its juuuust giving me more.... I DUNNO. Anyways the combination seems to be working A-OK as i went to work without wearing cover up (or left my house) without applying cover up for the first time in 4 years and thats a nice feeling i guess. Looks like i slayed the lizard queen (maybe) now i guess i'll just see what i can do about my pores the size of fucking venus (besides quitting smoking duh) and then i'll be set what ever "set" even fucking means.

Ummm i think Kate is visiting me at work tomorrow which is really nice of her so i'm looking forward to that if she doesn't get hit by lightening umm lalalal don't even want to think of the little boy that died on the c-train platform today or the people who saw it or anything lalala but i guess i just did, ughh i want to die for everyone with sadness right now. JSDHSKJHW*EUWIEWEJWKEJKS

OH and my fucking laptop is toast so that is REALLY nice i didn't have a million files i would have liked to keep or were important or anything. Oh wellllllllll..............

anyways i better stop the fucking hell beast cat trio from trying to fucking tear down the angelina jolie movie poster right before my VERY eyes.......... UGH what idiots how is it already 237am okay anyways

bye

ewww go away

i hate eeevvvvveeeryyyone

uggghhh

oh and have some respect or something
oh actually nevermind lol like who am i talking to???

don't worry i'm SURE this is one of my million mood swings this time of the month
i'm sure it's all the mood swings ;););)

uggghhhhhhh zero zero zero zero zero. no 1

they want to criticize me then
they want to criticize
they want to criticize me then
they'll want to criticize

there's no fear when I'm in my room
tt's so clear and I know just what I want to do
all day bedroom dancing
To you I wanna say, yr my thing

You teach me, teach me wisely, oh show me "wise"

the hell song

i don't think there are words to describe how i feel lately.
Just basic generic words that barely touch base with what i'm really actually feeling all the time.
i guess sad. lonely? scared.... confused? overwhelmed... unsettled, exhausted, useless, pointless, cold, distant?

life was simple when there was just one cat when i was just one person when there was just one room when there was just one goal when there was just one decision i could have made
i kind of miss highschool i miss living in cochrane sometimes i miss pretending to like boys i miss "1 saturday morning" and i miss having one stupid idiot loser friend and the only possible thing there was to fight about was lego and who got to be who in some fake imaginary world we played in you know?

and i don't even think all the kittens in the world could make me feel betterrr dkjh8dhkh
it's like i have this dark looming secret inside of me thats been eating me alive but i don't even have any secrets anymore, is that unhealthy?

i feel like a dead beat girlfriend and a shitty pet owner and an irresponsible daughter and an inconsiderate grandchild and a pretend niece and a non existent aunt. The whole family concept really gets to me. It might of been cool growing up and being okay with the theory that blood isn't always thicker than water but here i AMmmmmmmmm and ugghhh

i'm lazy and selfish and sneaky and stupid and i caaan't stop there are so many things i want to change about myself but it's hard when i'm lazy and pessimistic why the fuck did i have to be so fucking pessimistic it's not fair because when it's paired up with laziness i'm just hopeless and dependent and needy and lost and i guess i've never really "taken control" of my life, i just find the easy way out of every single fucking thing. If i lived by myself i don't even know what the fuck would become of me and that's a really terrifying fucking thought.

I just have a bunch of really depressed thoughts that make me not even want to try anything because i don't trust anything or anyone and all i can think about is how i'm suuure that the well being of each individual person is never considered. The only thing thats ever considered is the well being of the entire human population as whole, which means the government wants people to die. If we don't die individually then everyone dies together at the same time at a slow rate. That thought alone makes me not even want to get out of bed, this whole entire planet is sooooo fucked up and it just ties into little petty things going on in my life which just makes everything worse and oh my god i feel like a hamster trying to find my way out of my stupid smelly cage. My stomach is always upset because i'm always so stressed and worried and scared about nothing in particular, but everything at the same time. I feel sick and nauseous and bored and unmotivated and if i could just fix one of those things, other things might start falling in line but it just comes down to WHATEVER.

I'm trying to just keep thinking like everythings going to be okay and even if my worst fears do happen then i will eventually jsut have to deal with it, and then move on and then it will just be another bad memory but i also just want to curl up into a ball the majority of the time whyyyyy do i have to feel like thisss my mom always said a million times "no one should have to suffer ever" but how is that possible when noooo one fucking cares or understands and doctors treat you like customers, not patient its like a game of how fast can you get them out of your fucking office or how fast do you think you can prescribe a bottle of antibiotics for someone who doesn't feel okay and UGH.

I hate how i can't leave my house without dressing nicely, and doing my hair and make up.
Its like i just can't FACE anything, i can't face the world, i can't face consequences, i can't face criticism, i can't face confrontation, i can't face the fact that there is CLEARLY a problem here that i've been ignoring for YEARS but what the hell am i supposed to do about it? And all i can do is sit back and pin point the reasons why i hate myself and am sooo self conscious that it actually interferes with shit on a regular basis such as me being late for EVERYTHING because i can't LOOK OKAY enough to face judging shitty eyes and i have to take cabs if time is getting narrow and i don't look OKAY enough to take public transit without being so insecure i can't even put my head up. And there's a million things that probably contributed to this and i could name the big ones off the top of my head like..
The girls i became friends with in middle school were never satisfied with the amount of femininity i showed, no matter how "girly" i dressed within my comfort zone
Playing basketball in my driveway and running out to the road to retrieve a stray ball and someone in a truck yelling GET OFF THE ROAD YOU FAT BITCH when i was ummm 13 fucking years old
My dad grabbing my calves, jiggling them, and saying "are kids your age supposed to have that much fat on their legs?"
Boys pleading out loud for the song to change in "snowball" at school dances so they could switch partners before anyone saw them
Getting rejected by every single boy i ever "had a crush on"
The constant reminders "not to end up like Kelsey" everytime we ate a fucking meal
Boys making fun of me ALL the time and never making fun of the pretty girls
How shitty i started to feel towards the end of grade 10 because i realized that i had never ever once felt attractive in my entire life and no one had ever made me feel attractive unless i was DRESSED up big time by someone else. And even then it never sounded sincere. "Paula you are so pretty" just sounded sad. And i guess i just neeever wanted to feel that way ever again sooo to compensate with my oblivion to this whole "inner "beauty" concept" i suspect i'll be wearing make up for the rest of my life, which kind of suckssss but on the bright side i kind of like experimenting with make up just because of how much it can alter a persons appearance. And i don't really know how i feel about that i guess, but well i guess i do, and i think it's cool.

And i always mean to write short blogs but once the baaalllllllll gets rolling i guess i just can't dish out enough negative thoughts. And now i'm bored and don't feel like solving this or investigating any further, how eveerr old next door neighbour from Switzerland has returned to Calgary. Maybe we will hang out soon and i might take my mind off things unless shes really annoying which she could be and then well i dunno what i'll do. Throw a mug off the balcony.

Okay WELL not to be a Debbie Downer or anything SSDDSDKSODKSODKSODKSDOK
I really want to play a live show.

Bye

hope i do turn into you

I'm worried that my sudden realization that you can't really trust anyone, is going to turn me into my mom. That is, a person who prefers to be without the company of others majority of the time, with friends she doesn't like, but doesn't not like, who she'll sometimes be bothered to swap boring stories with.
I don't want to hate everyone i meet or know, but i guess i'm just a late bloomer commencing my foray into Spite city, Stew ville USA. I guess a lot of people have known about this for decades though, learning that the people you actually don't mind talking to have some pretty mean things to say about you, toi, tu? Which i guess is an obvious given because people just suck and are in constant "bored" mode and have nothing better to do, and i mean obviously this has been happening since humans were dumb enough to start talking. And obviously this includes me as well, which is funny that i would get offended by anything ever.
I mean i feel like i'm at a crossroad where i should make a decision about my attitude towards life and people pretty quick here lol, including the infamous Bill and Bridget and other unmentionable characters in my life. And i think they are probably both NO RETURN roads. Have i ever mentioned that i think there isn't a metaphor that i hate more than "ROAD OF L1FE"
All embarrassment aside, here is a little sneak peek at some pessimistic, but necessary thoughts on L1FES PATH TO ENLIGHTENMENT-

'Road A: this is the same road you have been traveling down since you started acknowledging beings other than your mom. Continue being fairly, decently, nice and pleasant towards current friends and future friends, disregard most annoying shitty things about them, as they are disregarding most of your poor qualities, probably, too. Keep accepting the certain attitudes and behavior which are "normal and standard" for said person, but make sure to keep up the annoying things you do and say to keep it even, and don't bother to change any of this there is no point anyways.
Road B: Take a new path where you quickly dismiss the shitty attitudes that have grown weary and irrelevant to the rest of your life in motion, and unload promptly. When dealing with a shitty interaction, see said person always as shallow, take at face value, and do not try to investigate or invest time in finding out that oh, they actually just suck. Be on top of this game, reevaluate your own flaws and put a halt to anything negative you do that someone could throw back in your face one day(as though it were possible ha ha). Be better, stronger, smarter and easier. There's no better way to prove to someone you don't give a fuck quite like being passive, carefree, and simple. Passive, the real passive, sans aggression. Toss unnecessary sarcasm and satire from your vocabulary, because do we really need to make people feel like bigger idiots than they really, clearly, obviously are?

I'm being negaaaative, that's my problem. I'm being negative and i'm in denial of all my own shitty mistakes and doings and annoying fucking personality traits. I don't know i don't knooooww
I feel like when i'm older, 40, I won't even think about all the people i know now. Most of them.
Maybe i just don't even have that many friends or know that many people at all actually to begin with!


I'm just in a bad mood because i'm mulling over things that piss me off, mostly humans in general ugh oh my god. I wondered if with the way things are going on in the world today, if it would now just be more appropriate to refer to someone as 'not human' as a term of endearment, rather than 'you are human''.
"You are human" should be the biggest fucking insult, slap across the face, kick in the box, punch to the dick this side of planet Earth.

Urk in other news i got into MountRoyal. I'm really excited, but at the same time i don't know if deep down i want to work with people, and write and be proactive to help influence pop culture and make everyone realize how fucking shitty they are and how stupid, not shitty, just OBVIOUSLY stupid society is right now. Orrr if i want to be a fucking starving musician and do what i can with that. Or find a school with recording engineering. I had a dream that i feel like i should listen to last night. Basically: Open studies for a year, if it's going no where, stop and enroll into a recording arts school. I feel like if i got the right band combination, something might take off. Hairy legs could be a trend, at least if it phased out, it would never be NOT okay to NOT shave your legs ever again, simple things like that to make a huge difference. Every bit counntss. Waaa one step at a time i guess. Soooo many periods.... lol I'm reallllly excited to go to school anyways, i'll still have time for jammmin and everything i'm really glad Rachel pushed for me to go because i woouuldn't have what a nice surprise i've been sleeping better at night not thinking "whats next..." anymore i honestly didn't think i'd ever go just needed the right kick in the bum and now it's like best decision of my liife.

Oh and.. i always know when Jacks gone to bed when i'm preoccupied with the computer cause i'll finally tune into my surroundings and it's alllways the country music channel playing. Kind of like when you realize you're 5 minutes into 'death sex' and then change it.

There are some people you have in your life, better kept for special occasion purposes. I mean really special.
You might unravel a person no one wanted to know post novelty wear off

Anyways, i should go to bed i have a big giant day of doing DICK all tomorrow, and i couldn't be happier.



/////This is the end of my blog, if you find yourself hungry for more, i will put my keyboard on 'auto-type' for those of you who wish to continue your readings. Compliments of SOWHATWHOCARE inc. Feast your eyes on this and, happy trails!!


[COMMENCING AUTO-TYPE]I got 2 new kittens this week, Louie and Jude, and Quasi is not fond of them but Quasi doesn't []have much of a say as he is being shipped back to the wild as soon as we find him a ride share. []And by that i mean i just discovered that 8 months ago i adopted a WILD kitten from a feral []wild cat. Which i mean explains the crazed darting, creeping, scowling, and stalking he displays []on a regular basis. Not to mention the unfriendly and intimidating facial features and hobbies. []Don't get me wrong i mean he's a great guy, real good bud to have around when you're lonely []or feel like cleaning up messes. Always up for a game of pounce and stalk. I find his real forte []though is that he is always there for you if you feel like getting a surprise bite on the calf when []you are the least unsuspecting. But REALLY he is a pretty good cat i mean i cried when i was []informed he probably needed to go back to the farm he came from so he could be wild and []free and beautiful and happy. It's wrronng of me to keep a wild cat in an []apartment building downtown but i just love him so muchhhh!!! I'm really going to miss him, []and i will never stop feeling shitty and guilty about replacing him with kittens BUT it's the []besst thing for him i'm just being selfish. Okay but one more thing class, before you graduate, []Quasi has been doing something really unsettling which might make giving him back a little []easier. We think he might be trying to kill the kittens by terminating and sabotaging their []food supply. Haha seriously, i've witness him do it 3 times, so has Jack and Tiffany even more times than that. When he []thinks no one is watching him, he slowly approaches their food and water dish and flips it over, []and eats as much of the kitten food as he can, and then he TAKES the mat underneath WITH []his teeth, and FOLDS it over the food so the kitten can't access their food supply. Sometimes he []just hides the food with the mat. I mean HOLY FUCKING CLEVER SMART CAT, and i []appreciate the humor and the technique! But i think he's just gotta go. Ughghudfhuh actually i []don't think i can do it actuallyyyy i don't want to give him away kljfs0dfjdlsdkfjsdlfkjsf fuck i'll []deal with it later.
[]Chat you guys up next time,

Paula
[AUTO-TYPE COMPLETED]

one more thing class, before you graduate...

nevermind

i quit quitting because i'm not a quitter

quick blog here i have smoked ummmm 4 times already mostly prime times though i'm going to barf lol

umm cyndi is getting a drum set mrs nezbitts

i should shower UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

anyways bye got dicking around to do

apathetic

ummmm i woke up at 8am and various times after checking my phone to see if rachel was ready for the gym lol at one point i vaguely remember tiffany saying "fuck. this. i'm not going" and then me just saying "it's cause you overslept" without thinking and tiffany says "getting 8 hours of sleep?" and then i fell back asleep with my alarm on snooze for the next hour and a half STILL NO TEXT FROM RACHEL ugghh its probably the rain most likely. stooopppp itttt where the fuck is the sun at. anyway i got out of bed excited to eat back 2 nature cereals and take sick disgusting coconut oil. mmmmm i will be less fat in no time! i also reallly want to quit smoking because it actually just makes me feel nauseous and it used to only sometimes and now all the time so im just ready to stop, so just waitin on mom to bring over the chocolate ones!

im really excited for my 9 hour shift today..................................... last time guilt gets the best of me! i knew id regret this in the morning.... still wanna go to the gym though ill wake rachel up in approx half hour

i saw cyndi purchasing almond breeze yesterday and so i did too lol i remember rly liking it drinking it drunk at rachels old place.

hmmm what else is new ummm my tmj or whatever the fuck is going on is getting worrrssee i even wrote a yahoo answers question about it and got a pretty appalling answer this morning...

"You may have "Lockjaw" or a tetanus infection. You may have dislocated it as well. It sounds like its worse than TMJ. There are a number of things that could be going wrong for you. You need to see a doctor or come over to my place do shrooms and deep throat me so at least something will be popping other than your jaw...
Source(s):
General Knowledge"

ummm puke okay that ruined my entire fucking day oh my god.

one day this week cyndi is taking me to spy city so i can buy pepper spray because i attract psychos on the streets and ctrain and there is 2 black guys that always try to get in our building, but only when woman are opening the door like they followed me to the building and i luckily could find my key and shut the locked door fast enough before they could get in and then they tried to and pounded on the door while i was waiting for the elevator lol coooooooooooooooool so if they are not too expensive ill get one for rachel and tiffany too, cause apparently jack saw them last week and they hung around outside the building but didnt try to follow him in like ewwwwwww i fucking HATE men fdsjkfhsd ughgughguhguhgughugfudhufsdgughugh

okay but im trying to stay in a good mood NEVERMIND JUST NEVER MIND

my skin is like soooo smooth

and this blog is going no where lol usually there is soooome theme to these things but not today apparently okayhahayaayahay gonna go SWEAT IT OUT gonna go check my bank balance cause my entire gst cheque just went to organic food lol there's no winning

GET RICH OR DIE TRYING IS WHAT I ALWAYS SAY

okay catch you later guys

I THINK THAT I'M BIGGER THAN THE SOUND

I'M SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE, TIFFANY LEFT!!!!

So Tiffany left this morning and i woke up sometime after nine to find her standing over the bed dressed pretty sharp and i got up after being a mole for like half an hour and then saw her off! So she comes back umm monday i think lol she's told me like 1 milllllion times and i keep asking and forgetting
Speaking of monday, that will mark my one week of being beerless, which is weird because i can't remember the last time i went an entire week without drinking, so i decided to see if i could do it juuuust because i guess idk but w/e!!! After Tiff left i went on the computers, played keyboard and guitar and made a really shitty smoothie and went out on the deck (note to self wear shoes the rats of the sky have been leaving their filth mark) okay and so today i feel really good and that's good because the last 2 days i've been feeling really ill and nauseous like before and during and after work until i went to bed. Sometimes i think that the "nausea" i feel sometimes isn't nausea but me just repressing panic and certain anxieties but nothing in parculiar will trigger it i don't thiiiink but i don't know it's weird, but i've been thinking that for a while now cause the nausea doesn't make a lot of sense... it's all in my head maybe, everything always is! But holy i am typing so fast right now cause i'm in such a good mood i keep thinking i have to work at 330 but remember i don't and omg it is nice and warm and sunny out and i have alllll day to just be a fucking pig and the house is a disaaster and soo dirty and messy clothes and dishes and garbage eevvveerywhere lol but i can clean it up wheneveeerrr i want! Maybe i will after this! Maybe i'll play more guitars first after this omg maybe i'll have another croissant. I boughta 12 pack of freshly made croissants, a 6 pack of raisin english muffins, and a bag of popcorn seeds for 8 bucks after work yesterday!!! isn't that nuts? My discount card actually helps quite a bit too so if anyone wants to go grocery shopping at superstore and use it anytime soon lemme know! I should shower though omg and then maybe take a nap then clean up maybe do the dishes that have been sitting in the same water for a few days now looool omg a nap would be so nice right now, i have been waking up really early and going to bed really late lately but since i've moved here i just haven't wanted to wassste the day. Also the tv is hardly eevver turned on ever which was a nice surprise well in the evening if someone turns it on then ya it is, but during the morning or day nevver which is good cause anything is more productive than watching tv i think lol like this blogging for instance....
The other day i was reading through all my privated nexopia blog spanning up to 3 years ago now and i like reading them so much so i thought i should probably keep blogging up for me to read when i'm like 25 lol that would be cool and funny. Wonder where i will be at that time...
Oh yeah 'zine nite tonight it's soooo nice living downtown! i won't have to leave at like 9 now cause getting home to the old place was suuuucccchhhhhhhhhhhh an inconvenience, i don't even want to think about it actually.
So i think either i have TMJ or i severeeeely fucked up my jaw on shrooms last thursday... like i don't remember grinding my teeth or anything cause all i remember was continuously moving every joint and muscle around because every fiber of my being felt soo sick that's the only way i can describe it, even my eyes and eyebrows hurt and my jaw wouldnt stop vibrating and shaking and moving. I remember at one point thinking that if i let my jaw move i won't feel as sick, so i may have just reaaally hurt it in some weird fucked state of mind, but then again i'm not sure because it seems to be getting worse and more sore and i've been getting headaches like almost every day (which is a sign of tmj also) i dunno i don't think it's too serious or anything, except maybe its wearing away at the joint but it seems to be locked right now so it's not popping in and out like usual. But ya i dunno what to say about shrooms now... like nothing bad happened to anyone else annd it's not like i was TRYING to have a bad time for attention you, like as soon as i felt this baad feeling before it really kicked in i was telling myself over and over a million times in my head to just breathe and relax because it's just shrooms nothing bad will happen and i'm going to be okay and as soon as i knew there was no repressing whatever i was feeling i had to remove myself from the situation so i didn't ruin anyone elses time and when jack came to see if i was okay i had to try realllly hard to pull myself together and tell him that i just felt a bit sick and was lying down til i felt good enough to join everyone else, but i knew that i wouldn't be leaving the bed until it stopped. Jussst a horrible, horrible experience. I just can't do drugs i guess and one day i'll have to accept it. -.-

So in other news we tried to adopt a cat and and were hopeful at first but now the girl is having second thoughts about giving it away at all lollll and i havent heard from her in 2 days sooo guess were not getting it. This morning me and tiffany were sitting on the couch and Quasi was on the table dipping his paw into a cup of water and then pulling it out to lick it off and we were just awwwhing and admiring and then Tiffany says something like "Do you think were asking for too much getting another cat anyways?" and before i can answer Quasi bats of the glass full of water and it spills eveeerrywhere and so we both just said "nope."
So who knows maybe we will get another cat eventually but to be honest i wasn't even sure if we could financially support another one.

I bought a pomelo a few weeks ago and remembered it earlier today and i cut it open.............. okay basically what it looks like it a gigaaaantic orange, and when you cut it in half theres about 2 inches of peel and then what looks like half a yellow orange with huuuuuge seeds and the peel is obviously too thick to tear away with hands so i was slicing it for 5 minutes and finally chissled a piece of only to find that it tasted like poison garbage and had to throw out the entire thing like i hope i didn't pay money for that.......................

Lastly i found a bunch of old burnt CD'S from 3 years ago which is always fun. Consists mostly (on all of them) Death From Above, Elliott Smith, Metric, Yeah yeah yeahs, Tegan and Sara, And Garbage! so i'm listening to them right now, not bad!

Okay welllll this is super long gonna go do 3 of the aforementioned possibilities and livin the good life WOEOewoWOEOWEOWOOEWOEOWEWIEWOI!!!!!!!!!!!

bye

No longer what you ask, strange steps, heels turn black

The apartment, from where i'm sitting, looks really empty and bare and lonely

and i'm sitting on a lawn chair by the window, listening to an infomercial ft. betty white.

So this is what i've been missing huh? pssht, cable tv.



We have very limited channels, and very a very limited distance in which you can travel with your laptop once it's plugged in to the router.

I don't mind i don't mind i don't mind at all

and the apartment is bare and boring and bright and i love it and i am so happy even though i feel like both other parties went to bed in an asshole kind of way but whatever i don't even care.

I wonder where my phone is, i bet it's dead, i hope when i find it there's texts or something.



I'm tired of being sad and worried so i'm going to try something else and i bet i KNOW i'll feel better. This depression is contagious and heavy and it's ready to go.

Tomorrow i'm excited to work because i get 2 days off after, even though i work until ten i don't even care because i actually love the commute home, and i love the walk from the station, and i love the elevator, and i love the dingy old smokey smell of the hallways, and i love living close to everything, and i love when i work in the mornings because i love walking downtown and smiling at the crack heads ignoring them at the same time, and i love walking to the grocery store, and i love waiting in the lines even though i say i hate it because i'm old enough to wait in grocery store line ups and be pissed off about it now, and i love how i feel when i wake up every day, and i love that my sister lives 3 Mississippi's below us, and i love when moulton-skodas cook dinner, and i love drinking beer, and i love the feeling of security that comes with living in a building, and i love that we have asian neighbours who clearly don't give a fuck, and i love the good vibes my cat sends from lounging around any and every where, and i love that he didn't do that when i lived at home, and i love the sudden realizations i get every now and then of "this is MIINE." and i love the pride i'm embarrassed about but feel anyways about living on my own, and i love doing or the thought of doing IMPORTANT things with rachel and tiffany and other parties if necessary, and i kind of love living close to train tracks and busy road because i'm never reallyyyy alone, i love that it's really never quiet in the good way and not the bad way.

The Runaways was badass and now i'm depressed that i didn't exist in the most important decade of humanity, but still got me some what pumped to make music without giving a fuck (but giving a fuck just enough to make it music) and i guess i'll learn to deal with listening to records and watching youtube videos about the past when productive things where starting and happening and moving, while the present is going on NOW (hey what's up 2000's you fucking SUCK.) Some people got to find a recipe for the cookies, some people got to make them, some people got to eat them, and i get to clean up the fucking dishes.

There must have been a reason why i was born in 1990, there must be another reason why i'm here. maybe i would have fucked up the kick ass revolutions, maybe i'm cleaning up the dishes to prepare for another baked good.

Sincerely yours,

cherry bomb xo

prison queens

It was supposed to be 15 degrees today
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 15 DEGREES TODAY
i'm at a coffee shop using free internet, for the first time in a week. I'm looking out the window and i guess wind picked up or something cause i saw a sign blow over and hit a bike tied to a light post. Ughhh well, at least now i don't feel so shitty about working at 2.

Uh recap, shit i thought of so much to recap but i'm drawing a blank as per usual.
Actually, nothing much has happened, i mean obviously i moved in which was cool. ErrRer i turned 20 on tuesday, whaaatever i'm sure when i'm 30 i'll cry about wanting to be 20 again. I hate blogging in public cause i'ts really embarrassing i think kind of, i think blogging is kind of pretentious i guess lol but everyone does it, so whatever. Elephant in the room. Also i'm right next to a window and if i walked passed a window and saw someone on BLOGGER i would probably lol in my head and be like whaaat a douche probably writing about sad things or something, and they can't wait until their friends log on and read it and think "wow" haha how many people am i embarrassing right now!

Umm what elseee... i think i have really horrible PMS actually and it's hard to pinpoint if you do have it because when these bad things are happening to you, (irritability, moodiness, hot flashes, fatigue, malaise, tension in muscles, aching tits) your first thought isn't MY PERIOD MUST BE COMING. You actually don't even clue in until you show signs of improvement. Anyway, i woke up with tiffany at 9am cause she had to work and i woke up really easily, so the fatigue i think is wearing off actually which is probably the thing i hate theee most about it.

Oh another sign just blew over and all i can see is the decorative flags on the light posts blowing so fucking hard they may rip. Fuck offff wind, just for one fucking day, please? Please?

We've almost been at the house for 2 weeks now, cable and internet gets hooked up saturday. Tiffany is unhappy and i don't know why and i don't know what to do about it because i'm having a hard time relating. Faiths apartment is haunted. I'm sure i could be unhappy at the new place too if i thought enough about it, everyone could. but i don't want to, i don't want to think about anything but barbeques and the potential the weather has to warm up within the next few months. Maybe if we make it feel even more at home Tiffany won't be so sad all the time but i don't know how to handle that kind of thing i guess.

I should probably call the bus stop number pretty soon. I have to go to work early to buy some overprice black pants because i have a feeling if a wear my grey pants agaaaiin today someone is going to say something about it. Especially since i wear my green converse to work, which i'm also not suppose to do on top of that. But since they haaaven't said anything about it yet, i don't mind
actually buy the stupid pants. Oh except for i'm really short on money again and it's really stressing me out. Everytime i get paid (which isn't very much) it alllll needs to go towards somethign and then i'm broke for 2 weeks and it happens again. i don't even really make enough to be able to pay a whole months rent in one cheque if i wanted to. Which is also stressful. At least theres a good chance i'd get hired at lens crafters which actually seems like a good job.

I did dishes today. We have been really good at keeping the place clean actually. i was going to buy more paintings for the walls friday but i had less money than i thought and it looks like i can afford 100$ of rent and have maybe 50 bucks to last me until a week from today uggghh fuck you blogger for making me think of stressful things.

Anyways i should go to the fuucuUKing bus stop now

also we might get some guinea pigs that would be cool

and you're more beautiful than ever

So today has been a pretty bad day, sunshine aside, and maaaaaybe just maaaaybe days like this will stop upon newly set moving in date.
But then i guess like it could go either way, and that may spell d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r but THEN, I'm only 20 right? riiight?

See i think that maybe if i don't have anyone to impress, i wont sleep 14 hours a day, you know?
reverse psychology n e one????? but then again maybe REALLY not having anyone to impress will further inspire my horrible sleeping habits that may or may not be some lurking terminally ill disease or something, or something i should PROBABLY get checked out but then again i am a 19 year old female with a horrible, horrible diet, and for all i know i AM anemic but onnnce again I'm like NO that's not SERIOUS enough to believe! I think i also avoid eating healthier because i feel comfort in knowing that everything unusual that happens to my body and shit are BECAUSE i just don't know how to fucking take care of myself. And it would all probably go away if i pull up my socks and do something about this suicide life style (ie: eating shit, sleeping, not eating at all, eating shit that's hardly classified as food, take a cab everywhere, eat more shitty food, sleep for another 12 hours, etc) but i guess I'm worried that once i live healthy enough to eliminate any possibility of my symptoms being from poor eating habits and life style, what does THAT leave on the plate for me??? cancer, diabetes, Parkinson's disease, etc. and i can't fall back on my safe blanket of telling myself "you might have cancer, but this might also be your asinine way of taking care of your body, stop it."
which then i never do and the circle continues lol i suppose this doesn't make any sense because my life style is most likely TO lead to shitty terminally ill disease, and or fucked up blood sugars and WHATEVER.

Anyway, today i woke up full aware it was an appalling time to be waking up at. I looked at my phone and ooooofffffffffff course its after 4 pm. i fell asleep at around 230 am woke up, went to my room at 310am, and continued sleeping from 330am-415pm.
I woke up and walked reallllly fast out of my room so my dad wouldn't have time to muster up something shitty and rude to say. Which he did eventually, and i decided that any further growing guilt over the past years of giving my parents "attitude" for asking questions, will cease at once!

See yesterday i started having this terrible realization that i have been PRETTY fucking shitty to step parent and bill. Only because for the last like few days or so my brother has been giving me this atttiitude that i don't even understand where it came from. idk sometimes i feel like his life goal is to make people feel like they are completely idiots with how he answers questions. Idkdik like i understand he is a sensitive guy so i'm allllways trying to put things in the nicest way possible as to not offend him, but it seems like he could give less of a fuck if he hurts MY feelings with how he talks to me sometimes I DUNNO but like whatever i guess, i don't understand so what who cares. But moving on with my epiphany, jack also seems to be avoiding money issues such as groceries, or lack of contributing to cost of house hold items WHICH, in turn, is fair because it's not his responsibility to buy anything except for groceries. But i'm too scared to ask him to either pay 1/3 of the groceries me and Tiffany have already bought which is over 200 dollars, or to just discuss that maybe he should buy his own groceries???????????? idk i feel so shitty and nervous and scared cause i DON'T want to piss him off, i also want to avoid feeling stupid for trying to word things nicely and get 'tude thrown back at me.

Lol okay and here's the embarrassing part, it actually started to hurt my feelings and slowly piss me off the point i started feeling like BRIDGET asking for money or other shit that no one really wants to talk about. And like i guess I'm the same way cause i owe Tiffany like 160$ and every time she asks about it I'm like FUCK OFF GET OFF MY BACK MAN SHUT UP lololol i mean that's not a direct quote but that IS how i feel i guess being asked about money which is shitty but that's ALSO why i NEVERRRR ask people to pay me back cause i know how bothersome it is. Idk and then i started feeling really bad for Bridget and my dad KIND OF until i woke up and i reassured myself "no no they are on a completely different level."

I'm trying really hard to keep MOVING IN as positive as it can be, but that recent swine tornado of attttitude, resentments, money issues, my shitty job ripping me off out of hours and avoiding it, fear of unknown, likelihood of TOTAL DISASTER upon many other things... makes it hard to look forward to it.

Although this is probably just how i feel today though, maybe I'm just pissed I've had 2 days off in a row and i spent 1 and girlfriend's work and 2 sleeping all day just in time for DINNER
and I'm getting really stressed out because there is no sign of Jack returning home, Tiffany is at work, and I'm suuuuuuuuure Bridget is on her way riding on her chariot pulled by 6 fire breathing lizards or something funny and depressing like that.

Oh just one more thing, there's nothing that makes me feel happier than my dad trying to puke out the name of my cat. You can tell it kills him inside to say QUASI but that's his NAME and he HAS to address him as that it is horrible and amazing and I'm probably going to go waste my day doing something else unproductive.

Also Bridget's birthday tomorrow.... AOAHohohoHOH!~!~!

lips speak louder, better together

they come home today

i work at 3 ughghhg i'm stressed about money and you know and that too, annnnnd uh huh

tiffany is playing the weepies in the kitchen all i can think about is how much they remind me of tuesday LOLLLLLL LOL OLOLO LOL OL

there is sooo many flakes of dried up blood in my nose that is coooooooool
god i'm so goddamn fucking sick of my job i haaaaaaate it, although there was a customer who called customer service and told a manager how great her customer service from me was and i had a GREAT smile hahahahh aparently she had so much to say there wasn't room on the paper the manager was trying to fill out over the phone.
but i still hate this job she must have got me on a good day but i'm too scared to quittttttt
i like having a not REAL job it slows down my foray into adulthood. i can still take days off for work for parties and bands playing you know


coffee and caramilk liqueur b4 work badassss bye

"Paul Revere was a dentist"

-"we need to go smoke i almost didn't come home tonight"
-"why?"
-"i almost got hit by a car"
-"were you embarrassed?"
-"why would i be embarrassed for almost getting killed, i was fucking shaking for 5 minutes"
-"so i'm working sunday morning"
-"......................."
-"next week i have 3 days off!"
-"......................"
-"you don't care?"
-"......................"
-"why aren't you talking to me?"
-"....................."

Anyways, i don't want to be dramatic or anything like that. This isn't a post dedicated to my "near death experience"
I was never asked what happened so this is what happened

coincidentally enough i was listening to the song "runaway" by yeah yeah yeahs, and i came to the end of the street and i saw a car so i waited to see if he was going to let me cross or not.
And i'm usually always extremely careful crossing streets, ever since i was really little, ever since some boy named Chase got hit stepping out from behind 2 parked cars, and he lived at the end of my block. I'm also extremely terrified of death i have an unhealthy obsession with thinking about death and when i'm going to die and how in graphic detail in nearly every possible situation, just all the time. So this guy stops for me and i am crossing the street, about half way across i dunno like next thing i knew i was scrambling to get myself 10 centimetres back because a black car turning from the other direction came out of no where it just like... came out of no where it hit my side bag i dunno i must have good reflexs i guess or maybe it just wasn't "my time to die" it was just like ohh so this is how people die. it just happens, it just comes out of no where. I don't even understand how i jumped backwards a few times fast enough to escape getting completely ran over like i don't understand and whatever i'm sure people ALMOST get hit by cars all the time it's no big deal i dunno i just keep replaying it perfectly and how i don't know how i'm okay like there are so many factors that could have been different and i could just be like dead, or have brain damage. He didn't even fucking see me, he didn't even notice he didn't even know what he almost fucking did he was asian on his fucking cell phone, i was looking right at him when i noticed the head lights and he didn't even see me. And i guess the guy who originally stopped was yelling out his window for him to stop and when i just missed it i was just standing there i watched the black SUV drive away, wondering if he would stop maybe i dunno nope he didn't i was like what just happened what the fuck is wrong with that guy like were you TRYING to kill me i don't know so i was standing there and then realized the guy in the car who stopped was trying to talk to me so i turned around and he asked me if i was okay and he asked me if i saw that he was on his cell phone and he asked me if there was any way i got his licence plate number and i said no and he didn't drive away and said to "be careful for jack asses he didn't even see you. "
I WAS watching out for idiots......... i looked both ways before i fucking crossed i waited for the car i saw to stop and it did and i crossed
there is nooooooooooooooooo being safe likke that sucks, no matter how careful you are, you're always a target for something like what are we all just walking around with fucking giant targets on our backs?

I guess it just makes you realize, "so thats how it happens huh" it just does you just die you are just minding your own fucking business and you get killed like, theres no premonitions no " bad feelings" its just happens in 2 seconds and you're dead.

ANyways sorry i don't feel like talking to you, guess i'm treating you like shit or something, sorry
maybe i'll go take a bath. maybe the cat will somehow drag the toaster to the tub when i dont notice and some how drop it in and this universe will finish me off

i don't think i ALMOST died, i'm just bitter about idiots, and stupid shitty fucking feelings.
ughhhh i would like to become mute i think for like a year. see where it gets me

anyways, while i ponder depressing thoughts, here are some appalling facts to feast your eyes upon:

-The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.
-China banned the pigtail in 1911 as it was seen as a symbol of feudalism.
-Before it was stopped by the British, it was the not uncommon for women in some areas of India to choose to be burnt alive on their husband's funeral pyre.
-Ivan the terrible claimed to have 'deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring'.
-Coffee is the second largest item of international commerce in the world. The largest is petrol.
-Peter the Great had the head of his wife's lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed.
-The women of an African tribe make themselves more attractive by permanently scaring their faces.
-Marie Currie, who twice won the Nobel Prize, and discovered radium, was not allowed to become a member of the prestigious French Academy because she was a woman.
-Lady Astor once told Winston Churchill 'if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee'. His reply …' if you were my wife, I would drink it ! '.
-During the seventeen century , the Sultan of Turkey ordered his entire harem of women drowned, and replace with a new one.

here are some nice facts:
-The two highest IQ's ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women.
-Urine was once used to wash clothes.
-Paul Revere was a dentist
-Elizabeth Blackwell, born in Bristol, England on 3 February 1821, was the first woman in America to gain an M.D. degree.
-Atilla the Hun is thought to have been a dwarf.
-
-
-
-
-

teenage bass land

News of the centuary !!!!!!!!!!

So yesterday i worked until 5 and cyndi came by from her department and told me she was off at six. I said i'd be staying later to help out and asked if she wanted to smoke when i was done.
So i called her from upstairs, i said "shmag?" she said yeah we went outside, i told her my appalling stories about ottawa, and mentioned i needed to go buy replacement beers for my parents cause they count2 them. Shes like okay well blake is going to pick me up after work maybe we could drive you and then drive you home. Im like really okay cool, so i waited 15 minutes for her to get off work and blake drove us to the liquor store but he seemed pissed off doisafaaskldj cause i guess he had pizza in the oven and cyndi was like apologizing and i'm like really uncomfortable cause i was a burden ALWAYS A BURDEN 2 LIFE and so he dropped us off and drove home to tend to the pizzas. So me n cyndi were browsin the liquor store she pointed out her favorite beer and wine and said she picks wine based on how cool the lable is. I grabbed a 12 pack of bud light lime (22$ dkjfsjh now i have like 15 dollars until pay day) and blake came back and was like "you know you guys dont have to hang out a the liquor store you can hang out at the house" and i quickly said something to change the subject cause lol WORK FRIENDS DONT DO THAT SHIT and i thought it was all forgotten about and i guess blake mentioned to cyndi that he made 2 pizzas and i could come over and eat if i wanted to. So cyndi was like yo P do you got to be home right away cause blake made 2 pizzas and like i dunno who he was expecting but its up to you! and so i call tiffany and ask lolllll cause i had already invited company over for later but i was like no yeah thats cool. And so i bought a single beer that was really big to drink with dinner and we drove over there. They live in a basement suite it was like pretty nice, they have a fish tank with 4 big fish and the tank looks toO small to accomodate for all their needs but like i didn't say anything, and they have a cat they got from the animal shelter named mister handsome and i guess when cyndi comes home from work everyday she asks "is there a mister handsome home???" i thought i loved my cat too much. Anyway this cat is like 20 pounds he looks dangerously over weight i didnt try to pick him up but he was sooo nice and soft and dfdsjkjds so we ate pizza on the couch and watched tv and mister handsome ate his wet food and we watched video on trial and complained about trevor and how unbelievably shitty he is. I was also drinking my beer and had 2 pieces of pizza and they were like do you want more? and i wanted more but like didnt DARE i think asking for seconds is some how just in bad taste upon first hangout ev3r although i'd be annoyed if my guest didn't eat as much as me i dunno lol that somehow makes sense. Anyway we watched jeopardy after and i started getting stressed cause i knew tyler would be at my house soon and like lol how rude of me to be doing this, but i also didn't know how to propose that i needed to leave so soon cause i just come over to eat their pizza and leave suddenly lol anyway cyndi gave me another beer i think she might of only had one bud light lime or something but i wasn't paying attention i guess. but i drank the beer really fast iN hopes that if they saw my other beer was empty they would just assume i was drinking it at a normal pace to give illusion that time had elapsed accordingly. So tyler calls me as im sifting through a KAT VON D tattoo book i found on the coffee table and i tried to talk loud enough so they might see i have something to do and they might be like "oh do you have to go?" but i don't think they were paying attention but then i got up and cyndi asked if i needed to get going and im like yeah im getting picked up but wanna smoke before i leave and she was like YEAH but i feel bad cause i guess cyndi quit smoking like 3 years ago and only occasional smokes when she drinks but everyday at worked i ask her if she wants to and i give her one and i can't tell if she actually wants to or just doesn't know how to say "no" yet to me hahaha but yeah anyways we were outside smoking and just like talking about different stuff and tyler called me again and i said "oh its tyler. you've seen him before you thought he was my boyfriend" and shes like "oh yeah! wait, so he IS or ISNT your boyfriend?" and im like "no hes gay" and shes like "no wonder he was dressed so well!" and i'm like "yeah hes my bestbud" and then that turned into us talking about gay people and im like so do you have any gay friends? and she told me she used to until he came out and then got weird about it cause he felt uncomfortable and just like fucked off from the group and lost contact. and this is just as were putting out our cigarettes and im making my way to the gate and im like "well, you have one now!" and i wait for heR facial expression to change from chill to utter confusion and mild schock and im like "ohh you couldnt tell?" shes like "whaaaat? really? uh no, well, no i don't know im so out of the loop ohhh i feel like a douche bag kind of!" which confused me cause i didnt get why and im like "no its okay i dunno i guess i dont look THAT gay" and she said she knew these lesbians at her highschool that would get the wrong idea from her (like flirting) and she told me she was cool with them but wasnt interested. And like, to quickly deter away from any possible thoughts of HMM DOES PAULA LIKE ME LIKE THAT?? i said "yeaah. i have a girlfriend, weve been dating over a year." and she just kept saying "ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!" not in like a bad way, more in a "ohhh i see!!!' kind of way which i also didn't understand which led to me just immediately regretting everything and wanting to abort confession abort abort abort. But like i guess i wouldnt know how i'd react if i was straight and my new friend told me that, i mean i would probably be shocked and acted just like that i dunno even though it shouldnt be a big deal it just some how kind of is i guess idkkk maybe i just made her really uncomfortable. not cause im gay but like what do you say to that??? really/?? so i feel bad like i probably should have just let it come up casually another time lolol whyyy am i mulling this over so much i just feel rly baddd ughghgh and its stupid cause like SO WHAT WHO CARES but like i havent made a friend since tyler but we discovered i liked girls together, and other kind of 'new friends' i make are either apart of the gay scene and already know, or like, just know from friends of friends so this is the first time i've ever made a friend that NO one has ever heard of before you know so i've never had to tell anyone i didnt know that i was gay before lolll but like i did it cause so many times i found myself trying to talk about things that involved tiffany, but that didn't make sense because i couldnt really mentioned WHY or WHAT and it was annoying and just shitty for tiffany i guess cause shes a human and YEP. yeppppp yep so i eventually changed the subject to superstore again, found out when each other works next annnnnd left carrying my case of budlight lime and shuffled along cause i didnt put my shoes on all the way so YEP we will see lololol

how has no ones met or seen her yet..... maybe im skitzophrenic that would be sooooo nice

ummm there's half a tower of beer on the coffee table.
this house is disgusting was a pig sty, i need to go shower its zine night but i am feeling so lazy but it's so fucking nice outside omg maybe i should go get tiffany from work but what a waste of bus tickets... maybe i should buy bus tickets with the last of my money that would probably make so much sense ewwww i don't even know when B and B come home but this place is a disaster. Tuesday morning the cleaning ladies came in only to behold a sight of filth cause everyone forgot they were supposed to come and noooothing was picked up off the floors, there were dishes and soup cups everyyywhere and clothes and underwear on the bathroom floor lol they were soooo appalled they called bridget in florida to complain sooooo this should be fun when they come home omg

Next cheque$$$ money goes towards:
- rug from walmart
- more groceries
- tattoo
- march rent for B and B UGHGHG
- MORE EASTER STUFF!!!!
- moving in celebration beers
- maybe pay half of mays rent
- BBQ~!!~!~!~!!!!!

And if you wanna bump, lets go
aight, peace
-lilshowstoppa xo