IBET IT BURNS NOW

Mamboking 5 here,

So moved again into a house with a crack loving beer drinking psychopath in the basement who laughs and talks to himself alllll night long

as Shania Twain says, UP UP UP CAN ONLY GET UP FROM HERE.....................

In other news some more awful fucking shit has happened to me like spilling pop all over my opened laptop, spilling a cup of coffee over a 50$ borrowed text book i can no longer return, im broke, not doing well in school, and obviously having a really good first week with moving out

and i guess i have enough on my plate but i also can't help feel really sad lately. As in a feel like i am missing out on having fun in my 20s. Idk i guess I’ve been hindered with responsibilities since i turned 18 and most of my friends/people i know (MOST) haven't had to deal with as many (or any) such things and i can never do something or hangout, because I’m either working to afford rent/bills/living costs or going to class or doing homework. It’s depressing to think that it will only get worse from here, and none of my other friends are going through this so it’s hard to find anyone to relate to and you always have to be careful about how much you complain to friends... ugh

WHich is also why i'm kind of actually not only upset but really angry. As if i need any more stress, i just don't get why people can't mind their own business.. and I’m not talking about gossiping or anything i mean GUILTY AS CHARGED RITE~ but i mean like people ACTUALLY getting involved in aspects of MY life, and reacting negatively to them. Like I’m talking about things that don’t directly, or in any way affect them, yet they still find energy to bother with it? I mean i only WISHHH i had the free time to care that indepthly about something someone i baarely know is doing. And don't get me wrong im not like flattering myself, obviously no one cares about things ACTUALLY, but ugh IDK like i feel like i have to avoid things or censor things that i really shouldn’t have to, just because i don't want people to judge me.... I mean i should have spit in your face when you even tried to talk to me about anything is what I’m trying to say but then I’d not only keep my 'paula is a shitty people' title but gain a 'paula is pretty crazy' and THEN what? But i guess me caring is abbooout the same as other people even begggiiining to judge me in any way, right?

I GUESS i just feel scared and defensive because i don't have many friends anymore and just one of those 'whole world is against' me feelings, and i feel like if i never touched another girl or talked to one since my last relationship i wouldn't feel like that. Know what i mean? I feel like I’m being oppressed in some little way that feels significant because I’m just like... living... and doing things..... and IDK i guess I’m also sad because i always felt like since I’m a lesbian, i should have a group of lesbian friends and do fun things with. But I’ve never been a part of any group, and I’ve never had any good friends except for cally and tyler, and ashley i guess, and that’s just it. And i suppose it’s my own fault because I’m really awful at maintaining friendships because i get overwhelmed really easily and feel like no one will like me when I’m serious and it’s so hard to be funny and witty ALL the time and then i just feel annoying and then i just give up conversation until the person eventually gives up TRYING to have one with me at all.
It’s just like a QQ I’m left out kind of thing because
-I’m bad at keeping friends
-I’m busy alllll the time
-i suck ??????????????/

I mean I’ve never really given a fuck about who my ex's date and shit i mean, EX'S, you know what i mean? I mean like why should i, why should i care who my bestfriends ex is seeing, i mean even if my bestfriend was upset about it, why i should ME, I, in particular care? I mean i guess i should just avoid bars altogether if my experiences are poor, but i mean I’m mad because they shouldn't be. I should be able to go out and have fun and BE 20 without ewewefhdsfdsdjsdhfksdjfhsdkfjhfdsfsdf yuck
And i mean maybe I’m just being neurotic and I’m just creating problems that don’t exist in my head but it’s just how i feel. i mean I’m probably just paranoid because i feel guilty, as per usual, but i mean i don’t even have any proof that my oppression exists, i guess, except for maybe one case OH WELL THIS STOPPED MAKING SENSE 8 PARAGRAPHS AGO AND MY SPACEBAR IS BROKE SO THIS IS ALL

also just scratched my back with a knife i am keeping close by for protection from the human filth bag downstairs

**note to self wash knife