hope i do turn into you

I'm worried that my sudden realization that you can't really trust anyone, is going to turn me into my mom. That is, a person who prefers to be without the company of others majority of the time, with friends she doesn't like, but doesn't not like, who she'll sometimes be bothered to swap boring stories with.
I don't want to hate everyone i meet or know, but i guess i'm just a late bloomer commencing my foray into Spite city, Stew ville USA. I guess a lot of people have known about this for decades though, learning that the people you actually don't mind talking to have some pretty mean things to say about you, toi, tu? Which i guess is an obvious given because people just suck and are in constant "bored" mode and have nothing better to do, and i mean obviously this has been happening since humans were dumb enough to start talking. And obviously this includes me as well, which is funny that i would get offended by anything ever.
I mean i feel like i'm at a crossroad where i should make a decision about my attitude towards life and people pretty quick here lol, including the infamous Bill and Bridget and other unmentionable characters in my life. And i think they are probably both NO RETURN roads. Have i ever mentioned that i think there isn't a metaphor that i hate more than "ROAD OF L1FE"
All embarrassment aside, here is a little sneak peek at some pessimistic, but necessary thoughts on L1FES PATH TO ENLIGHTENMENT-

'Road A: this is the same road you have been traveling down since you started acknowledging beings other than your mom. Continue being fairly, decently, nice and pleasant towards current friends and future friends, disregard most annoying shitty things about them, as they are disregarding most of your poor qualities, probably, too. Keep accepting the certain attitudes and behavior which are "normal and standard" for said person, but make sure to keep up the annoying things you do and say to keep it even, and don't bother to change any of this there is no point anyways.
Road B: Take a new path where you quickly dismiss the shitty attitudes that have grown weary and irrelevant to the rest of your life in motion, and unload promptly. When dealing with a shitty interaction, see said person always as shallow, take at face value, and do not try to investigate or invest time in finding out that oh, they actually just suck. Be on top of this game, reevaluate your own flaws and put a halt to anything negative you do that someone could throw back in your face one day(as though it were possible ha ha). Be better, stronger, smarter and easier. There's no better way to prove to someone you don't give a fuck quite like being passive, carefree, and simple. Passive, the real passive, sans aggression. Toss unnecessary sarcasm and satire from your vocabulary, because do we really need to make people feel like bigger idiots than they really, clearly, obviously are?

I'm being negaaaative, that's my problem. I'm being negative and i'm in denial of all my own shitty mistakes and doings and annoying fucking personality traits. I don't know i don't knooooww
I feel like when i'm older, 40, I won't even think about all the people i know now. Most of them.
Maybe i just don't even have that many friends or know that many people at all actually to begin with!


I'm just in a bad mood because i'm mulling over things that piss me off, mostly humans in general ugh oh my god. I wondered if with the way things are going on in the world today, if it would now just be more appropriate to refer to someone as 'not human' as a term of endearment, rather than 'you are human''.
"You are human" should be the biggest fucking insult, slap across the face, kick in the box, punch to the dick this side of planet Earth.

Urk in other news i got into MountRoyal. I'm really excited, but at the same time i don't know if deep down i want to work with people, and write and be proactive to help influence pop culture and make everyone realize how fucking shitty they are and how stupid, not shitty, just OBVIOUSLY stupid society is right now. Orrr if i want to be a fucking starving musician and do what i can with that. Or find a school with recording engineering. I had a dream that i feel like i should listen to last night. Basically: Open studies for a year, if it's going no where, stop and enroll into a recording arts school. I feel like if i got the right band combination, something might take off. Hairy legs could be a trend, at least if it phased out, it would never be NOT okay to NOT shave your legs ever again, simple things like that to make a huge difference. Every bit counntss. Waaa one step at a time i guess. Soooo many periods.... lol I'm reallllly excited to go to school anyways, i'll still have time for jammmin and everything i'm really glad Rachel pushed for me to go because i woouuldn't have what a nice surprise i've been sleeping better at night not thinking "whats next..." anymore i honestly didn't think i'd ever go just needed the right kick in the bum and now it's like best decision of my liife.

Oh and.. i always know when Jacks gone to bed when i'm preoccupied with the computer cause i'll finally tune into my surroundings and it's alllways the country music channel playing. Kind of like when you realize you're 5 minutes into 'death sex' and then change it.

There are some people you have in your life, better kept for special occasion purposes. I mean really special.
You might unravel a person no one wanted to know post novelty wear off

Anyways, i should go to bed i have a big giant day of doing DICK all tomorrow, and i couldn't be happier.



/////This is the end of my blog, if you find yourself hungry for more, i will put my keyboard on 'auto-type' for those of you who wish to continue your readings. Compliments of SOWHATWHOCARE inc. Feast your eyes on this and, happy trails!!


[COMMENCING AUTO-TYPE]I got 2 new kittens this week, Louie and Jude, and Quasi is not fond of them but Quasi doesn't []have much of a say as he is being shipped back to the wild as soon as we find him a ride share. []And by that i mean i just discovered that 8 months ago i adopted a WILD kitten from a feral []wild cat. Which i mean explains the crazed darting, creeping, scowling, and stalking he displays []on a regular basis. Not to mention the unfriendly and intimidating facial features and hobbies. []Don't get me wrong i mean he's a great guy, real good bud to have around when you're lonely []or feel like cleaning up messes. Always up for a game of pounce and stalk. I find his real forte []though is that he is always there for you if you feel like getting a surprise bite on the calf when []you are the least unsuspecting. But REALLY he is a pretty good cat i mean i cried when i was []informed he probably needed to go back to the farm he came from so he could be wild and []free and beautiful and happy. It's wrronng of me to keep a wild cat in an []apartment building downtown but i just love him so muchhhh!!! I'm really going to miss him, []and i will never stop feeling shitty and guilty about replacing him with kittens BUT it's the []besst thing for him i'm just being selfish. Okay but one more thing class, before you graduate, []Quasi has been doing something really unsettling which might make giving him back a little []easier. We think he might be trying to kill the kittens by terminating and sabotaging their []food supply. Haha seriously, i've witness him do it 3 times, so has Jack and Tiffany even more times than that. When he []thinks no one is watching him, he slowly approaches their food and water dish and flips it over, []and eats as much of the kitten food as he can, and then he TAKES the mat underneath WITH []his teeth, and FOLDS it over the food so the kitten can't access their food supply. Sometimes he []just hides the food with the mat. I mean HOLY FUCKING CLEVER SMART CAT, and i []appreciate the humor and the technique! But i think he's just gotta go. Ughghudfhuh actually i []don't think i can do it actuallyyyy i don't want to give him away kljfs0dfjdlsdkfjsdlfkjsf fuck i'll []deal with it later.
[]Chat you guys up next time,

Paula
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