the hell song

i don't think there are words to describe how i feel lately.
Just basic generic words that barely touch base with what i'm really actually feeling all the time.
i guess sad. lonely? scared.... confused? overwhelmed... unsettled, exhausted, useless, pointless, cold, distant?

life was simple when there was just one cat when i was just one person when there was just one room when there was just one goal when there was just one decision i could have made
i kind of miss highschool i miss living in cochrane sometimes i miss pretending to like boys i miss "1 saturday morning" and i miss having one stupid idiot loser friend and the only possible thing there was to fight about was lego and who got to be who in some fake imaginary world we played in you know?

and i don't even think all the kittens in the world could make me feel betterrr dkjh8dhkh
it's like i have this dark looming secret inside of me thats been eating me alive but i don't even have any secrets anymore, is that unhealthy?

i feel like a dead beat girlfriend and a shitty pet owner and an irresponsible daughter and an inconsiderate grandchild and a pretend niece and a non existent aunt. The whole family concept really gets to me. It might of been cool growing up and being okay with the theory that blood isn't always thicker than water but here i AMmmmmmmmm and ugghhh

i'm lazy and selfish and sneaky and stupid and i caaan't stop there are so many things i want to change about myself but it's hard when i'm lazy and pessimistic why the fuck did i have to be so fucking pessimistic it's not fair because when it's paired up with laziness i'm just hopeless and dependent and needy and lost and i guess i've never really "taken control" of my life, i just find the easy way out of every single fucking thing. If i lived by myself i don't even know what the fuck would become of me and that's a really terrifying fucking thought.

I just have a bunch of really depressed thoughts that make me not even want to try anything because i don't trust anything or anyone and all i can think about is how i'm suuure that the well being of each individual person is never considered. The only thing thats ever considered is the well being of the entire human population as whole, which means the government wants people to die. If we don't die individually then everyone dies together at the same time at a slow rate. That thought alone makes me not even want to get out of bed, this whole entire planet is sooooo fucked up and it just ties into little petty things going on in my life which just makes everything worse and oh my god i feel like a hamster trying to find my way out of my stupid smelly cage. My stomach is always upset because i'm always so stressed and worried and scared about nothing in particular, but everything at the same time. I feel sick and nauseous and bored and unmotivated and if i could just fix one of those things, other things might start falling in line but it just comes down to WHATEVER.

I'm trying to just keep thinking like everythings going to be okay and even if my worst fears do happen then i will eventually jsut have to deal with it, and then move on and then it will just be another bad memory but i also just want to curl up into a ball the majority of the time whyyyyy do i have to feel like thisss my mom always said a million times "no one should have to suffer ever" but how is that possible when noooo one fucking cares or understands and doctors treat you like customers, not patient its like a game of how fast can you get them out of your fucking office or how fast do you think you can prescribe a bottle of antibiotics for someone who doesn't feel okay and UGH.

I hate how i can't leave my house without dressing nicely, and doing my hair and make up.
Its like i just can't FACE anything, i can't face the world, i can't face consequences, i can't face criticism, i can't face confrontation, i can't face the fact that there is CLEARLY a problem here that i've been ignoring for YEARS but what the hell am i supposed to do about it? And all i can do is sit back and pin point the reasons why i hate myself and am sooo self conscious that it actually interferes with shit on a regular basis such as me being late for EVERYTHING because i can't LOOK OKAY enough to face judging shitty eyes and i have to take cabs if time is getting narrow and i don't look OKAY enough to take public transit without being so insecure i can't even put my head up. And there's a million things that probably contributed to this and i could name the big ones off the top of my head like..
The girls i became friends with in middle school were never satisfied with the amount of femininity i showed, no matter how "girly" i dressed within my comfort zone
Playing basketball in my driveway and running out to the road to retrieve a stray ball and someone in a truck yelling GET OFF THE ROAD YOU FAT BITCH when i was ummm 13 fucking years old
My dad grabbing my calves, jiggling them, and saying "are kids your age supposed to have that much fat on their legs?"
Boys pleading out loud for the song to change in "snowball" at school dances so they could switch partners before anyone saw them
Getting rejected by every single boy i ever "had a crush on"
The constant reminders "not to end up like Kelsey" everytime we ate a fucking meal
Boys making fun of me ALL the time and never making fun of the pretty girls
How shitty i started to feel towards the end of grade 10 because i realized that i had never ever once felt attractive in my entire life and no one had ever made me feel attractive unless i was DRESSED up big time by someone else. And even then it never sounded sincere. "Paula you are so pretty" just sounded sad. And i guess i just neeever wanted to feel that way ever again sooo to compensate with my oblivion to this whole "inner "beauty" concept" i suspect i'll be wearing make up for the rest of my life, which kind of suckssss but on the bright side i kind of like experimenting with make up just because of how much it can alter a persons appearance. And i don't really know how i feel about that i guess, but well i guess i do, and i think it's cool.

And i always mean to write short blogs but once the baaalllllllll gets rolling i guess i just can't dish out enough negative thoughts. And now i'm bored and don't feel like solving this or investigating any further, how eveerr old next door neighbour from Switzerland has returned to Calgary. Maybe we will hang out soon and i might take my mind off things unless shes really annoying which she could be and then well i dunno what i'll do. Throw a mug off the balcony.

Okay WELL not to be a Debbie Downer or anything SSDDSDKSODKSODKSODKSDOK
I really want to play a live show.

Bye