i lieb kaetzli

I have an aching/sharp pain in my leg
actually i have aches and pains starting from my lower back, and it penetrates through every fibre muscle bone and joint to the bottom of both my legs, every time i walk.
And i'm too fucking annoyed to even look THIS shit up because i'm so sick of looking up shit on google every fucking day trying to find someone with the same problem as i'm having and hoping there's a response that says "its nothing. its stress. its anxiety of thinking there's a problem." ORR just clicking the little X in the corner of the screen as soon as i see the word "cancer" and this is just my life. I wonder what it feels like to think about other things, besides dying, or people i love dying, or getting really sick, or disease, or disasters.

I always wonder how i would be if my mom didn't smoke or drink at all during her pregnancy. I wonder if i would be normal or "normal" or be productive and worry free to normal standards or better with social skills or maybe possess the ability to retain information and be able to learn and other things that would have helped me out A LOT during my entire life time. Or maybe that's just an easy way to blame myself being a lazy piece of shit on. WHOOOOOOOOO knows?

Like thinking back throughout my years of school, i should have been kept behind, a FEW times. I was just too fucking proud to admit that i PROBABLY had a learning problem/disability and begged and cried and screamed for my mom not to sign the papers saying i should be held back a grade or go to learning centres or get taken out of french immersion. Instead i promised her every year that i was just lazy and just didn't do my homework and didn't listen, and that it had nothing to do with my intelligence, and she believed me every fucking time when really..... i just DIDN'T understand ANYTHING. EVER. I tried sooo hard to understand and study and nothing ever clicked. Its like my memory just doesn't KNOW how to take in information or ANYTHING. I was the worst at reading comprehension, always. Nothing clicks, nothing registers, and its at the point where i'm actually scared to read anything now. Because i feel like a fucking retard. I don't read books and i don't like reading books because i get so frustrated that i read a page and couldn't tell you 3 points mentioned in it. It takes me sooo long to read a book and sometimes i'll read one and feel sad i didn't get anything deep out of it, probably because i didn't read it properly. And nowww NOW i'm regretting NOT getting help when i could of avoided EVERYTHING like this, and i could of had my parents pay for it, and i could have LIVED if i stayed behind if it meant i got to learn anything in the grades i was in. I ASSED my way through school my entire life. I think teachers felt sorry for me, actually, a lot, which was relieving back then but makes me mad now. I told them the same thing i told my mom, "i'm not interested and lazy, and don't do my homework. i CAN do it." And when actually i wasn't interested cause i didn't understand, and i was lazy because i was avoidant (is that even a word) because i hated the fear and anxiety that ran through my head when i realized no one else was confused but me, and i didn't do my homework because i couldn't.

I actually probably shouldn't even be going to university and i am SOO scared because this is something i've hidden inside for so long and now as september nears i have to come to terms with this and like i don't know find HELP? or SOMETHING? If i FUCK this up i'm 3000 in debt and i will probably just fall into the greatest fucking depression since the 1940s and i don't even know what the fuck i'll do then. NOT LEARN, THATS FOR SURE.

So currently i am freaking out about that, and my leg pain, and money issues, and just fucking everything. I have this deep caving-in feeling in my chest when i think about certain things or people in my life and its an emotional pain i guess and it sucks pretty bad. I guess i have this thing where i just expect people to be NOTHING without me. Like people only show ME their real side or only i understand them or see through them, and then when my friendship dies with someone and i realize they are still living and happy and talking and joking with other friends i get really depressed and sad with that pain in my chest. So i deactivated my FB account because thats just something i can't deal with anymore, and maybe if i can't see it, i won't be so compelled to being bitter and prude and wanting to die. Ew sick like i'm THAT fucking special, that someone would be NOTHING without ME. Like how fucking dare i assume someone might feel empty with my absence. And i don't mean in a self pity way, like OBVIOUSLY there are some people in my life that WOULD care, but i'm talking about JUST a friend of mine. I guess that's another thing i should probably work on, not letting myself think i'm special or rare or ANYTHING like that. Like what would you even call that? I'm sure if i had a vocabulary i could figure out a word but NOPE don't fucking have that because i just WOULDN'T let myself be held back, or WOULDN'T let my mom send me to sylvan learning and nowww i'm fucked over 4 EVER and WOW. Ugh there are so many people i have a problem with right now and the more i realize it doesn't matter to them, the more i realize it shouldn't matter to me and the mooooore i decide on saying FUCK IT and the moree bridges i send up in flames.

Like all i can think about it whyyyyyy don't you miss me :;(9(( :( :( yyyy don't you think i'm cooler than them or her or him :( :( ;( whyYYYyy are they more fun than me :99(((((:( :( :(!!!!!!!!
and then fuuuck uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

but whatever now i'm listening to agree to disagree by meg and dia and everything seems to be fine now atm, because my sudden joint pains that pop up everywhere in my body including my fingers and second and third knuckles ugh what an annoying pain.

Umm what else oh here's a bIIiIIIg fuck UUUUUUUUUU to YOU ugh you evil conniving bitch, you are a BAD BAD BAD person and i'm just a giant hypocrite. Get fucked and i'll get fucked too.

So i spent 35+ dollars on face shit uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh for some reason my skin just all of a sudden decided to become really sensitive especially to the weather and EVERYTHING and this has been going on since i was 17 but this is by FAAAR the worst its every been like i am THEE lizard queen of the fucking world. And my routine was literally scrape off ALL the skin on my face with a pumice until i bled and then applied cover up to cover up my disgusting skin tone and acne scars and red spots from the pumice and then the make up would dry up my face INSTANTLY but i couldn't NOT wear it and ajlSDH(DHSLKJDHS soo i bought a 13$ bottle of spectro gel for blemish prone skin, a 15$ tube of spectro gel exzema care cream and a 10$ bottle of pure vitamin E oil. UGGHHH like can you fucking believe it, but i'm already seeing results i have NEVER seen before using any other method or combination of skin treatments so it was worth it i guess. Except that i think the oil is giving me pimples but tiffany says its not from the oil so i guess ill keep using it for a while until i am suddenly riddled with acne pimples and i'll stop i guess ugh which is annnnoying because i use the oil to reduce the scaring from fucking zits on my face but if its juuuust giving me more.... I DUNNO. Anyways the combination seems to be working A-OK as i went to work without wearing cover up (or left my house) without applying cover up for the first time in 4 years and thats a nice feeling i guess. Looks like i slayed the lizard queen (maybe) now i guess i'll just see what i can do about my pores the size of fucking venus (besides quitting smoking duh) and then i'll be set what ever "set" even fucking means.

Ummm i think Kate is visiting me at work tomorrow which is really nice of her so i'm looking forward to that if she doesn't get hit by lightening umm lalalal don't even want to think of the little boy that died on the c-train platform today or the people who saw it or anything lalala but i guess i just did, ughh i want to die for everyone with sadness right now. JSDHSKJHW*EUWIEWEJWKEJKS

OH and my fucking laptop is toast so that is REALLY nice i didn't have a million files i would have liked to keep or were important or anything. Oh wellllllllll..............

anyways i better stop the fucking hell beast cat trio from trying to fucking tear down the angelina jolie movie poster right before my VERY eyes.......... UGH what idiots how is it already 237am okay anyways

bye