croupe

Umm hi so i'm back from wherever i came from

Germany.

It was cool, whatever.

I don't know about you guys but i forsee a wooorld of trouble coming my way. For the last few months i've been getting this nausea in the back of my spine about it. It feels like a gut instinct, but there's no such thing for me. I can't BASE possibly future demises on gut feelings that don't even exist. I don't get premonitions. I think the problem is that i think i am special (in a bad way) and the more i read and hear and discover just how alike me and some other people are makes me feel half depressed and half relieved. What is this?

Everything i see, hear, or do is fear fear and fear. Stupid things that don't make sense. Whatever. At least i've been cooking up this backup plan ever since i landed in Calgary. It would be so unlikely of working that i think it would actually work. Haha i don't know, like does everyone get to the same point of despair where killing yourself just seems to actually make sense? And like not because things are like really horrible and unbearable or anything, or that there's a lot of pain or something. I just mean like when you're really unhappy with surroundings but they were okay just a few days ago yknow? and you're like uhh oh wait what's going on WHAT this was cool before and now it's not? And you're like okay well this sucks but how do i REALLY feel i wonder?? Cause one day my lifes a big fat ol fucking party marty and then its like jk so what are you going to do about it yyykknnooww.... i don't know. I don't know. I wish someone could read my head and just tell me "I know." And like yeah maybe things just like get bad and you have to make things better, or something to that effect.

But when things get bad all i can think about is panic, and how i'm going to lose my mind and control and everythings going to fall down and apart and i'm going to watch it happen and then i'm just going to sit there. because i'm lazy. because i care about everything and everyone but myself as though i love to be irresponsible and make a conscious effort of avoid it everd4y. Because reveling in how sad and shitty and hopeless everything can become in no time makes me feel like exactly how i want to.
I feel like justifying why i'm so lazy and hopeless and feel this teeth grinding envy (the bad kind) when people talk about their successes or what they plan to do to better themselves or like get an education. Like in my mind my head explodes i'm like i don't care please stop talking about it. I think the worst part is if i don't hear about accomplishments, i can have comfort in knowing that i would PROBABLY be really stoked for them. But instead when i hear it all i can think about is myself. And i feel like not human because aren't humans supposed to be better than that? Fighting with myself typing words to make excuses for myself works sometimes i guess, i don't know. Maybe deep down i'm happy for everyone, i guess. The only reply ever floating around in my head is "i want that to be me" but i say "oh!" or "thats awesome" but like i try to make it seem like theres a bit of me not caring, yukno? I don't know why CRAZY PAULA

I've only been back here for 12 hours. SUprise suprise i'm tired again. All i want to do is be alone and sleep.

tomorrow i might wake up and be like wer90fdLKJHSDFKJAHDSFHD0HSFDDSFLKSJFHASDFHSADFKJSDHALKDJHFASLDFIHSADFKJSDH
:D;d;D;D MOVING IN DAY!!!! SUMMER!!! NEIGHBOURS!!
and everything will be normal again asdsakldjsad

I guess i feel like i run on a timer. Ughgh i can't think of the word right now, but you know those timers in board games with the salt? i feel like my body takes turns on being like YEAH to being like NAH in like 1-4 day intervals. It's soo exhausting. I wish i knew how to make it better. Im so productive when i'm filling up with sand, and so sad and lonely and dead when i lose it again.
The worse part i guess is knowing it will come back by either the end of today or in like 4 days.

Ottawa was fun. I guess i just summed it up pretty much. I mean some things happened that were appalling, some were really fun. It all evened out enough to entirely be summed up by "was fun"
I mean i'd go again. Maybe stay with Brett though.
Only thing weird was that when i was over there everything seemed backwards and I was someone that i'm not here. And i can't tell if it's who i really am, or filling in my position of who i was. trip down memory lane. Can you ever even really tell that kind of shit anyway?
The weirdest part of that was that i was like... the funny one. Idk i'm never 'the funny one' i've just always been socially awkward with not enough confidence to even crack a joke.
And with my friends here yeah like, i'm kind of funny i dunno but for the most part i'm just there i guess. I mean sometimes i'm funny and rude, but nothing prominent enough to take a title of or anything.

I think that about sums it up. I don't believe a thing i say. I should start believing in something i guess cause as far as i'm concerned, im just your average chattering disease bag. Where nothing means anything to me no matter how hard i try. Like i am soulless???? I think it's going to be pretty interesting seeing how i turn out............

Nightxoxox0xox0o