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Reading old shit that doesn't seem old until you look at the 2 digits with a 0 in front of the number on the right. 06 07 08 09 Anything with a 0 in front is completely obliterated. It's never going to be seen or heard of after you die. It's like when you die billions and billions of hours worth of film is destroyed and no one is ever going to get to see it again. So much more dies than just you when you're dead, i guess. All these lies and truths and secrets just die, like they just disappear, they never even existed actually.
How should this make me feel? The blog conversations that were had make my stomach wrench and hurt. Like nothing even happened it must not have EVEN happened. Does everyone feel this way about remembering things? like sick and lonely, like sick and bewildered, like sick and old.
The last 2 years have like disappeared or something, i feel senile and sad because i can't remember what i have to feel sad about. But that's just it, i'm just sad.
It's like if you were to contemplate the process of memory long enough you might actually lose your mind.We trust a memory? This complex phenomenon that allows us to remember thoughts and feelings and smells and sounds from the time we were old enough to know how to use it. Pictures, tape, and memory are alllll we have to prove that anything ever existed.
I guess it's just that you have this vague memory of things that WERE, that remembers less of something nice every year you grow older. Details start floating further back. I used to know what she said, what we said, what the joke was. Was is it again? I'll have to wait months maybe years until something happens that triggers an emotion that gets my lobes sprung and i will just remember. And smile and try to think about it as much as possible before i forget again.
There are so many things that i would like to think about, but i know i have to wait so long before something sparks up my memory. Something weird and completely unrelated almost. It's not something you will ever get to experience again and if you try it's just impossible. It's just in your head to taunt and haunt you and remind you that subconsciously you have years and years recorded in your mind and you never know when a smell or sunset is going to trigger something that makes you want to curl up and mourn over the loss of something you will never even remember 100% again.
That's humans huh?
Just don't say you're sorry cause sorry means something is wrong.