So today has been a pretty bad day, sunshine aside, and maaaaaybe just maaaaybe days like this will stop upon newly set moving in date.
But then i guess like it could go either way, and that may spell d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r but THEN, I'm only 20 right? riiight?
See i think that maybe if i don't have anyone to impress, i wont sleep 14 hours a day, you know?
reverse psychology n e one????? but then again maybe REALLY not having anyone to impress will further inspire my horrible sleeping habits that may or may not be some lurking terminally ill disease or something, or something i should PROBABLY get checked out but then again i am a 19 year old female with a horrible, horrible diet, and for all i know i AM anemic but onnnce again I'm like NO that's not SERIOUS enough to believe! I think i also avoid eating healthier because i feel comfort in knowing that everything unusual that happens to my body and shit are BECAUSE i just don't know how to fucking take care of myself. And it would all probably go away if i pull up my socks and do something about this suicide life style (ie: eating shit, sleeping, not eating at all, eating shit that's hardly classified as food, take a cab everywhere, eat more shitty food, sleep for another 12 hours, etc) but i guess I'm worried that once i live healthy enough to eliminate any possibility of my symptoms being from poor eating habits and life style, what does THAT leave on the plate for me??? cancer, diabetes, Parkinson's disease, etc. and i can't fall back on my safe blanket of telling myself "you might have cancer, but this might also be your asinine way of taking care of your body, stop it."
which then i never do and the circle continues lol i suppose this doesn't make any sense because my life style is most likely TO lead to shitty terminally ill disease, and or fucked up blood sugars and WHATEVER.
Anyway, today i woke up full aware it was an appalling time to be waking up at. I looked at my phone and ooooofffffffffff course its after 4 pm. i fell asleep at around 230 am woke up, went to my room at 310am, and continued sleeping from 330am-415pm.
I woke up and walked reallllly fast out of my room so my dad wouldn't have time to muster up something shitty and rude to say. Which he did eventually, and i decided that any further growing guilt over the past years of giving my parents "attitude" for asking questions, will cease at once!
See yesterday i started having this terrible realization that i have been PRETTY fucking shitty to step parent and bill. Only because for the last like few days or so my brother has been giving me this atttiitude that i don't even understand where it came from. idk sometimes i feel like his life goal is to make people feel like they are completely idiots with how he answers questions. Idkdik like i understand he is a sensitive guy so i'm allllways trying to put things in the nicest way possible as to not offend him, but it seems like he could give less of a fuck if he hurts MY feelings with how he talks to me sometimes I DUNNO but like whatever i guess, i don't understand so what who cares. But moving on with my epiphany, jack also seems to be avoiding money issues such as groceries, or lack of contributing to cost of house hold items WHICH, in turn, is fair because it's not his responsibility to buy anything except for groceries. But i'm too scared to ask him to either pay 1/3 of the groceries me and Tiffany have already bought which is over 200 dollars, or to just discuss that maybe he should buy his own groceries???????????? idk i feel so shitty and nervous and scared cause i DON'T want to piss him off, i also want to avoid feeling stupid for trying to word things nicely and get 'tude thrown back at me.
Lol okay and here's the embarrassing part, it actually started to hurt my feelings and slowly piss me off the point i started feeling like BRIDGET asking for money or other shit that no one really wants to talk about. And like i guess I'm the same way cause i owe Tiffany like 160$ and every time she asks about it I'm like FUCK OFF GET OFF MY BACK MAN SHUT UP lololol i mean that's not a direct quote but that IS how i feel i guess being asked about money which is shitty but that's ALSO why i NEVERRRR ask people to pay me back cause i know how bothersome it is. Idk and then i started feeling really bad for Bridget and my dad KIND OF until i woke up and i reassured myself "no no they are on a completely different level."
I'm trying really hard to keep MOVING IN as positive as it can be, but that recent swine tornado of attttitude, resentments, money issues, my shitty job ripping me off out of hours and avoiding it, fear of unknown, likelihood of TOTAL DISASTER upon many other things... makes it hard to look forward to it.
Although this is probably just how i feel today though, maybe I'm just pissed I've had 2 days off in a row and i spent 1 and girlfriend's work and 2 sleeping all day just in time for DINNER
and I'm getting really stressed out because there is no sign of Jack returning home, Tiffany is at work, and I'm suuuuuuuuure Bridget is on her way riding on her chariot pulled by 6 fire breathing lizards or something funny and depressing like that.
Oh just one more thing, there's nothing that makes me feel happier than my dad trying to puke out the name of my cat. You can tell it kills him inside to say QUASI but that's his NAME and he HAS to address him as that it is horrible and amazing and I'm probably going to go waste my day doing something else unproductive.
Also Bridget's birthday tomorrow.... AOAHohohoHOH!~!~!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
lips speak louder, better together
they come home today
i work at 3 ughghhg i'm stressed about money and you know and that too, annnnnd uh huh
tiffany is playing the weepies in the kitchen all i can think about is how much they remind me of tuesday LOLLLLLL LOL OLOLO LOL OL
there is sooo many flakes of dried up blood in my nose that is coooooooool
god i'm so goddamn fucking sick of my job i haaaaaaate it, although there was a customer who called customer service and told a manager how great her customer service from me was and i had a GREAT smile hahahahh aparently she had so much to say there wasn't room on the paper the manager was trying to fill out over the phone.
but i still hate this job she must have got me on a good day but i'm too scared to quittttttt
i like having a not REAL job it slows down my foray into adulthood. i can still take days off for work for parties and bands playing you know
coffee and caramilk liqueur b4 work badassss bye
i work at 3 ughghhg i'm stressed about money and you know and that too, annnnnd uh huh
tiffany is playing the weepies in the kitchen all i can think about is how much they remind me of tuesday LOLLLLLL LOL OLOLO LOL OL
there is sooo many flakes of dried up blood in my nose that is coooooooool
god i'm so goddamn fucking sick of my job i haaaaaaate it, although there was a customer who called customer service and told a manager how great her customer service from me was and i had a GREAT smile hahahahh aparently she had so much to say there wasn't room on the paper the manager was trying to fill out over the phone.
but i still hate this job she must have got me on a good day but i'm too scared to quittttttt
i like having a not REAL job it slows down my foray into adulthood. i can still take days off for work for parties and bands playing you know
coffee and caramilk liqueur b4 work badassss bye
"Paul Revere was a dentist"
-"we need to go smoke i almost didn't come home tonight"
-"why?"
-"i almost got hit by a car"
-"were you embarrassed?"
-"why would i be embarrassed for almost getting killed, i was fucking shaking for 5 minutes"
-"so i'm working sunday morning"
-"......................."
-"next week i have 3 days off!"
-"......................"
-"you don't care?"
-"......................"
-"why aren't you talking to me?"
-"....................."
Anyways, i don't want to be dramatic or anything like that. This isn't a post dedicated to my "near death experience"
I was never asked what happened so this is what happened
coincidentally enough i was listening to the song "runaway" by yeah yeah yeahs, and i came to the end of the street and i saw a car so i waited to see if he was going to let me cross or not.
And i'm usually always extremely careful crossing streets, ever since i was really little, ever since some boy named Chase got hit stepping out from behind 2 parked cars, and he lived at the end of my block. I'm also extremely terrified of death i have an unhealthy obsession with thinking about death and when i'm going to die and how in graphic detail in nearly every possible situation, just all the time. So this guy stops for me and i am crossing the street, about half way across i dunno like next thing i knew i was scrambling to get myself 10 centimetres back because a black car turning from the other direction came out of no where it just like... came out of no where it hit my side bag i dunno i must have good reflexs i guess or maybe it just wasn't "my time to die" it was just like ohh so this is how people die. it just happens, it just comes out of no where. I don't even understand how i jumped backwards a few times fast enough to escape getting completely ran over like i don't understand and whatever i'm sure people ALMOST get hit by cars all the time it's no big deal i dunno i just keep replaying it perfectly and how i don't know how i'm okay like there are so many factors that could have been different and i could just be like dead, or have brain damage. He didn't even fucking see me, he didn't even notice he didn't even know what he almost fucking did he was asian on his fucking cell phone, i was looking right at him when i noticed the head lights and he didn't even see me. And i guess the guy who originally stopped was yelling out his window for him to stop and when i just missed it i was just standing there i watched the black SUV drive away, wondering if he would stop maybe i dunno nope he didn't i was like what just happened what the fuck is wrong with that guy like were you TRYING to kill me i don't know so i was standing there and then realized the guy in the car who stopped was trying to talk to me so i turned around and he asked me if i was okay and he asked me if i saw that he was on his cell phone and he asked me if there was any way i got his licence plate number and i said no and he didn't drive away and said to "be careful for jack asses he didn't even see you. "
I WAS watching out for idiots......... i looked both ways before i fucking crossed i waited for the car i saw to stop and it did and i crossed
there is nooooooooooooooooo being safe likke that sucks, no matter how careful you are, you're always a target for something like what are we all just walking around with fucking giant targets on our backs?
I guess it just makes you realize, "so thats how it happens huh" it just does you just die you are just minding your own fucking business and you get killed like, theres no premonitions no " bad feelings" its just happens in 2 seconds and you're dead.
ANyways sorry i don't feel like talking to you, guess i'm treating you like shit or something, sorry
maybe i'll go take a bath. maybe the cat will somehow drag the toaster to the tub when i dont notice and some how drop it in and this universe will finish me off
i don't think i ALMOST died, i'm just bitter about idiots, and stupid shitty fucking feelings.
ughhhh i would like to become mute i think for like a year. see where it gets me
anyways, while i ponder depressing thoughts, here are some appalling facts to feast your eyes upon:
-The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.
-China banned the pigtail in 1911 as it was seen as a symbol of feudalism.
-Before it was stopped by the British, it was the not uncommon for women in some areas of India to choose to be burnt alive on their husband's funeral pyre.
-Ivan the terrible claimed to have 'deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring'.
-Coffee is the second largest item of international commerce in the world. The largest is petrol.
-Peter the Great had the head of his wife's lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed.
-The women of an African tribe make themselves more attractive by permanently scaring their faces.
-Marie Currie, who twice won the Nobel Prize, and discovered radium, was not allowed to become a member of the prestigious French Academy because she was a woman.
-Lady Astor once told Winston Churchill 'if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee'. His reply …' if you were my wife, I would drink it ! '.
-During the seventeen century , the Sultan of Turkey ordered his entire harem of women drowned, and replace with a new one.
here are some nice facts:
-The two highest IQ's ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women.
-Urine was once used to wash clothes.
-Paul Revere was a dentist
-Elizabeth Blackwell, born in Bristol, England on 3 February 1821, was the first woman in America to gain an M.D. degree.
-Atilla the Hun is thought to have been a dwarf.
-
-
-
-
-
-"why?"
-"i almost got hit by a car"
-"were you embarrassed?"
-"why would i be embarrassed for almost getting killed, i was fucking shaking for 5 minutes"
-"so i'm working sunday morning"
-"......................."
-"next week i have 3 days off!"
-"......................"
-"you don't care?"
-"......................"
-"why aren't you talking to me?"
-"....................."
Anyways, i don't want to be dramatic or anything like that. This isn't a post dedicated to my "near death experience"
I was never asked what happened so this is what happened
coincidentally enough i was listening to the song "runaway" by yeah yeah yeahs, and i came to the end of the street and i saw a car so i waited to see if he was going to let me cross or not.
And i'm usually always extremely careful crossing streets, ever since i was really little, ever since some boy named Chase got hit stepping out from behind 2 parked cars, and he lived at the end of my block. I'm also extremely terrified of death i have an unhealthy obsession with thinking about death and when i'm going to die and how in graphic detail in nearly every possible situation, just all the time. So this guy stops for me and i am crossing the street, about half way across i dunno like next thing i knew i was scrambling to get myself 10 centimetres back because a black car turning from the other direction came out of no where it just like... came out of no where it hit my side bag i dunno i must have good reflexs i guess or maybe it just wasn't "my time to die" it was just like ohh so this is how people die. it just happens, it just comes out of no where. I don't even understand how i jumped backwards a few times fast enough to escape getting completely ran over like i don't understand and whatever i'm sure people ALMOST get hit by cars all the time it's no big deal i dunno i just keep replaying it perfectly and how i don't know how i'm okay like there are so many factors that could have been different and i could just be like dead, or have brain damage. He didn't even fucking see me, he didn't even notice he didn't even know what he almost fucking did he was asian on his fucking cell phone, i was looking right at him when i noticed the head lights and he didn't even see me. And i guess the guy who originally stopped was yelling out his window for him to stop and when i just missed it i was just standing there i watched the black SUV drive away, wondering if he would stop maybe i dunno nope he didn't i was like what just happened what the fuck is wrong with that guy like were you TRYING to kill me i don't know so i was standing there and then realized the guy in the car who stopped was trying to talk to me so i turned around and he asked me if i was okay and he asked me if i saw that he was on his cell phone and he asked me if there was any way i got his licence plate number and i said no and he didn't drive away and said to "be careful for jack asses he didn't even see you. "
I WAS watching out for idiots......... i looked both ways before i fucking crossed i waited for the car i saw to stop and it did and i crossed
there is nooooooooooooooooo being safe likke that sucks, no matter how careful you are, you're always a target for something like what are we all just walking around with fucking giant targets on our backs?
I guess it just makes you realize, "so thats how it happens huh" it just does you just die you are just minding your own fucking business and you get killed like, theres no premonitions no " bad feelings" its just happens in 2 seconds and you're dead.
ANyways sorry i don't feel like talking to you, guess i'm treating you like shit or something, sorry
maybe i'll go take a bath. maybe the cat will somehow drag the toaster to the tub when i dont notice and some how drop it in and this universe will finish me off
i don't think i ALMOST died, i'm just bitter about idiots, and stupid shitty fucking feelings.
ughhhh i would like to become mute i think for like a year. see where it gets me
anyways, while i ponder depressing thoughts, here are some appalling facts to feast your eyes upon:
-The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.
-China banned the pigtail in 1911 as it was seen as a symbol of feudalism.
-Before it was stopped by the British, it was the not uncommon for women in some areas of India to choose to be burnt alive on their husband's funeral pyre.
-Ivan the terrible claimed to have 'deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring'.
-Coffee is the second largest item of international commerce in the world. The largest is petrol.
-Peter the Great had the head of his wife's lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed.
-The women of an African tribe make themselves more attractive by permanently scaring their faces.
-Marie Currie, who twice won the Nobel Prize, and discovered radium, was not allowed to become a member of the prestigious French Academy because she was a woman.
-Lady Astor once told Winston Churchill 'if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee'. His reply …' if you were my wife, I would drink it ! '.
-During the seventeen century , the Sultan of Turkey ordered his entire harem of women drowned, and replace with a new one.
here are some nice facts:
-The two highest IQ's ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women.
-Urine was once used to wash clothes.
-Paul Revere was a dentist
-Elizabeth Blackwell, born in Bristol, England on 3 February 1821, was the first woman in America to gain an M.D. degree.
-Atilla the Hun is thought to have been a dwarf.
-
-
-
-
-
Thursday, March 11, 2010
teenage bass land
News of the centuary !!!!!!!!!!
So yesterday i worked until 5 and cyndi came by from her department and told me she was off at six. I said i'd be staying later to help out and asked if she wanted to smoke when i was done.
So i called her from upstairs, i said "shmag?" she said yeah we went outside, i told her my appalling stories about ottawa, and mentioned i needed to go buy replacement beers for my parents cause they count2 them. Shes like okay well blake is going to pick me up after work maybe we could drive you and then drive you home. Im like really okay cool, so i waited 15 minutes for her to get off work and blake drove us to the liquor store but he seemed pissed off doisafaaskldj cause i guess he had pizza in the oven and cyndi was like apologizing and i'm like really uncomfortable cause i was a burden ALWAYS A BURDEN 2 LIFE and so he dropped us off and drove home to tend to the pizzas. So me n cyndi were browsin the liquor store she pointed out her favorite beer and wine and said she picks wine based on how cool the lable is. I grabbed a 12 pack of bud light lime (22$ dkjfsjh now i have like 15 dollars until pay day) and blake came back and was like "you know you guys dont have to hang out a the liquor store you can hang out at the house" and i quickly said something to change the subject cause lol WORK FRIENDS DONT DO THAT SHIT and i thought it was all forgotten about and i guess blake mentioned to cyndi that he made 2 pizzas and i could come over and eat if i wanted to. So cyndi was like yo P do you got to be home right away cause blake made 2 pizzas and like i dunno who he was expecting but its up to you! and so i call tiffany and ask lolllll cause i had already invited company over for later but i was like no yeah thats cool. And so i bought a single beer that was really big to drink with dinner and we drove over there. They live in a basement suite it was like pretty nice, they have a fish tank with 4 big fish and the tank looks toO small to accomodate for all their needs but like i didn't say anything, and they have a cat they got from the animal shelter named mister handsome and i guess when cyndi comes home from work everyday she asks "is there a mister handsome home???" i thought i loved my cat too much. Anyway this cat is like 20 pounds he looks dangerously over weight i didnt try to pick him up but he was sooo nice and soft and dfdsjkjds so we ate pizza on the couch and watched tv and mister handsome ate his wet food and we watched video on trial and complained about trevor and how unbelievably shitty he is. I was also drinking my beer and had 2 pieces of pizza and they were like do you want more? and i wanted more but like didnt DARE i think asking for seconds is some how just in bad taste upon first hangout ev3r although i'd be annoyed if my guest didn't eat as much as me i dunno lol that somehow makes sense. Anyway we watched jeopardy after and i started getting stressed cause i knew tyler would be at my house soon and like lol how rude of me to be doing this, but i also didn't know how to propose that i needed to leave so soon cause i just come over to eat their pizza and leave suddenly lol anyway cyndi gave me another beer i think she might of only had one bud light lime or something but i wasn't paying attention i guess. but i drank the beer really fast iN hopes that if they saw my other beer was empty they would just assume i was drinking it at a normal pace to give illusion that time had elapsed accordingly. So tyler calls me as im sifting through a KAT VON D tattoo book i found on the coffee table and i tried to talk loud enough so they might see i have something to do and they might be like "oh do you have to go?" but i don't think they were paying attention but then i got up and cyndi asked if i needed to get going and im like yeah im getting picked up but wanna smoke before i leave and she was like YEAH but i feel bad cause i guess cyndi quit smoking like 3 years ago and only occasional smokes when she drinks but everyday at worked i ask her if she wants to and i give her one and i can't tell if she actually wants to or just doesn't know how to say "no" yet to me hahaha but yeah anyways we were outside smoking and just like talking about different stuff and tyler called me again and i said "oh its tyler. you've seen him before you thought he was my boyfriend" and shes like "oh yeah! wait, so he IS or ISNT your boyfriend?" and im like "no hes gay" and shes like "no wonder he was dressed so well!" and i'm like "yeah hes my bestbud" and then that turned into us talking about gay people and im like so do you have any gay friends? and she told me she used to until he came out and then got weird about it cause he felt uncomfortable and just like fucked off from the group and lost contact. and this is just as were putting out our cigarettes and im making my way to the gate and im like "well, you have one now!" and i wait for heR facial expression to change from chill to utter confusion and mild schock and im like "ohh you couldnt tell?" shes like "whaaaat? really? uh no, well, no i don't know im so out of the loop ohhh i feel like a douche bag kind of!" which confused me cause i didnt get why and im like "no its okay i dunno i guess i dont look THAT gay" and she said she knew these lesbians at her highschool that would get the wrong idea from her (like flirting) and she told me she was cool with them but wasnt interested. And like, to quickly deter away from any possible thoughts of HMM DOES PAULA LIKE ME LIKE THAT?? i said "yeaah. i have a girlfriend, weve been dating over a year." and she just kept saying "ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!" not in like a bad way, more in a "ohhh i see!!!' kind of way which i also didn't understand which led to me just immediately regretting everything and wanting to abort confession abort abort abort. But like i guess i wouldnt know how i'd react if i was straight and my new friend told me that, i mean i would probably be shocked and acted just like that i dunno even though it shouldnt be a big deal it just some how kind of is i guess idkkk maybe i just made her really uncomfortable. not cause im gay but like what do you say to that??? really/?? so i feel bad like i probably should have just let it come up casually another time lolol whyyy am i mulling this over so much i just feel rly baddd ughghgh and its stupid cause like SO WHAT WHO CARES but like i havent made a friend since tyler but we discovered i liked girls together, and other kind of 'new friends' i make are either apart of the gay scene and already know, or like, just know from friends of friends so this is the first time i've ever made a friend that NO one has ever heard of before you know so i've never had to tell anyone i didnt know that i was gay before lolll but like i did it cause so many times i found myself trying to talk about things that involved tiffany, but that didn't make sense because i couldnt really mentioned WHY or WHAT and it was annoying and just shitty for tiffany i guess cause shes a human and YEP. yeppppp yep so i eventually changed the subject to superstore again, found out when each other works next annnnnd left carrying my case of budlight lime and shuffled along cause i didnt put my shoes on all the way so YEP we will see lololol
how has no ones met or seen her yet..... maybe im skitzophrenic that would be sooooo nice
ummm there's half a tower of beer on the coffee table.
this house is disgusting was a pig sty, i need to go shower its zine night but i am feeling so lazy but it's so fucking nice outside omg maybe i should go get tiffany from work but what a waste of bus tickets... maybe i should buy bus tickets with the last of my money that would probably make so much sense ewwww i don't even know when B and B come home but this place is a disaster. Tuesday morning the cleaning ladies came in only to behold a sight of filth cause everyone forgot they were supposed to come and noooothing was picked up off the floors, there were dishes and soup cups everyyywhere and clothes and underwear on the bathroom floor lol they were soooo appalled they called bridget in florida to complain sooooo this should be fun when they come home omg
Next cheque$$$ money goes towards:
- rug from walmart
- more groceries
- tattoo
- march rent for B and B UGHGHG
- MORE EASTER STUFF!!!!
- moving in celebration beers
- maybe pay half of mays rent
- BBQ~!!~!~!~!!!!!
And if you wanna bump, lets go
aight, peace
-lilshowstoppa xo
So yesterday i worked until 5 and cyndi came by from her department and told me she was off at six. I said i'd be staying later to help out and asked if she wanted to smoke when i was done.
So i called her from upstairs, i said "shmag?" she said yeah we went outside, i told her my appalling stories about ottawa, and mentioned i needed to go buy replacement beers for my parents cause they count2 them. Shes like okay well blake is going to pick me up after work maybe we could drive you and then drive you home. Im like really okay cool, so i waited 15 minutes for her to get off work and blake drove us to the liquor store but he seemed pissed off doisafaaskldj cause i guess he had pizza in the oven and cyndi was like apologizing and i'm like really uncomfortable cause i was a burden ALWAYS A BURDEN 2 LIFE and so he dropped us off and drove home to tend to the pizzas. So me n cyndi were browsin the liquor store she pointed out her favorite beer and wine and said she picks wine based on how cool the lable is. I grabbed a 12 pack of bud light lime (22$ dkjfsjh now i have like 15 dollars until pay day) and blake came back and was like "you know you guys dont have to hang out a the liquor store you can hang out at the house" and i quickly said something to change the subject cause lol WORK FRIENDS DONT DO THAT SHIT and i thought it was all forgotten about and i guess blake mentioned to cyndi that he made 2 pizzas and i could come over and eat if i wanted to. So cyndi was like yo P do you got to be home right away cause blake made 2 pizzas and like i dunno who he was expecting but its up to you! and so i call tiffany and ask lolllll cause i had already invited company over for later but i was like no yeah thats cool. And so i bought a single beer that was really big to drink with dinner and we drove over there. They live in a basement suite it was like pretty nice, they have a fish tank with 4 big fish and the tank looks toO small to accomodate for all their needs but like i didn't say anything, and they have a cat they got from the animal shelter named mister handsome and i guess when cyndi comes home from work everyday she asks "is there a mister handsome home???" i thought i loved my cat too much. Anyway this cat is like 20 pounds he looks dangerously over weight i didnt try to pick him up but he was sooo nice and soft and dfdsjkjds so we ate pizza on the couch and watched tv and mister handsome ate his wet food and we watched video on trial and complained about trevor and how unbelievably shitty he is. I was also drinking my beer and had 2 pieces of pizza and they were like do you want more? and i wanted more but like didnt DARE i think asking for seconds is some how just in bad taste upon first hangout ev3r although i'd be annoyed if my guest didn't eat as much as me i dunno lol that somehow makes sense. Anyway we watched jeopardy after and i started getting stressed cause i knew tyler would be at my house soon and like lol how rude of me to be doing this, but i also didn't know how to propose that i needed to leave so soon cause i just come over to eat their pizza and leave suddenly lol anyway cyndi gave me another beer i think she might of only had one bud light lime or something but i wasn't paying attention i guess. but i drank the beer really fast iN hopes that if they saw my other beer was empty they would just assume i was drinking it at a normal pace to give illusion that time had elapsed accordingly. So tyler calls me as im sifting through a KAT VON D tattoo book i found on the coffee table and i tried to talk loud enough so they might see i have something to do and they might be like "oh do you have to go?" but i don't think they were paying attention but then i got up and cyndi asked if i needed to get going and im like yeah im getting picked up but wanna smoke before i leave and she was like YEAH but i feel bad cause i guess cyndi quit smoking like 3 years ago and only occasional smokes when she drinks but everyday at worked i ask her if she wants to and i give her one and i can't tell if she actually wants to or just doesn't know how to say "no" yet to me hahaha but yeah anyways we were outside smoking and just like talking about different stuff and tyler called me again and i said "oh its tyler. you've seen him before you thought he was my boyfriend" and shes like "oh yeah! wait, so he IS or ISNT your boyfriend?" and im like "no hes gay" and shes like "no wonder he was dressed so well!" and i'm like "yeah hes my bestbud" and then that turned into us talking about gay people and im like so do you have any gay friends? and she told me she used to until he came out and then got weird about it cause he felt uncomfortable and just like fucked off from the group and lost contact. and this is just as were putting out our cigarettes and im making my way to the gate and im like "well, you have one now!" and i wait for heR facial expression to change from chill to utter confusion and mild schock and im like "ohh you couldnt tell?" shes like "whaaaat? really? uh no, well, no i don't know im so out of the loop ohhh i feel like a douche bag kind of!" which confused me cause i didnt get why and im like "no its okay i dunno i guess i dont look THAT gay" and she said she knew these lesbians at her highschool that would get the wrong idea from her (like flirting) and she told me she was cool with them but wasnt interested. And like, to quickly deter away from any possible thoughts of HMM DOES PAULA LIKE ME LIKE THAT?? i said "yeaah. i have a girlfriend, weve been dating over a year." and she just kept saying "ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!" not in like a bad way, more in a "ohhh i see!!!' kind of way which i also didn't understand which led to me just immediately regretting everything and wanting to abort confession abort abort abort. But like i guess i wouldnt know how i'd react if i was straight and my new friend told me that, i mean i would probably be shocked and acted just like that i dunno even though it shouldnt be a big deal it just some how kind of is i guess idkkk maybe i just made her really uncomfortable. not cause im gay but like what do you say to that??? really/?? so i feel bad like i probably should have just let it come up casually another time lolol whyyy am i mulling this over so much i just feel rly baddd ughghgh and its stupid cause like SO WHAT WHO CARES but like i havent made a friend since tyler but we discovered i liked girls together, and other kind of 'new friends' i make are either apart of the gay scene and already know, or like, just know from friends of friends so this is the first time i've ever made a friend that NO one has ever heard of before you know so i've never had to tell anyone i didnt know that i was gay before lolll but like i did it cause so many times i found myself trying to talk about things that involved tiffany, but that didn't make sense because i couldnt really mentioned WHY or WHAT and it was annoying and just shitty for tiffany i guess cause shes a human and YEP. yeppppp yep so i eventually changed the subject to superstore again, found out when each other works next annnnnd left carrying my case of budlight lime and shuffled along cause i didnt put my shoes on all the way so YEP we will see lololol
how has no ones met or seen her yet..... maybe im skitzophrenic that would be sooooo nice
ummm there's half a tower of beer on the coffee table.
this house is disgusting was a pig sty, i need to go shower its zine night but i am feeling so lazy but it's so fucking nice outside omg maybe i should go get tiffany from work but what a waste of bus tickets... maybe i should buy bus tickets with the last of my money that would probably make so much sense ewwww i don't even know when B and B come home but this place is a disaster. Tuesday morning the cleaning ladies came in only to behold a sight of filth cause everyone forgot they were supposed to come and noooothing was picked up off the floors, there were dishes and soup cups everyyywhere and clothes and underwear on the bathroom floor lol they were soooo appalled they called bridget in florida to complain sooooo this should be fun when they come home omg
Next cheque$$$ money goes towards:
- rug from walmart
- more groceries
- tattoo
- march rent for B and B UGHGHG
- MORE EASTER STUFF!!!!
- moving in celebration beers
- maybe pay half of mays rent
- BBQ~!!~!~!~!!!!!
And if you wanna bump, lets go
aight, peace
-lilshowstoppa xo
Monday, March 8, 2010
croupe
Umm hi so i'm back from wherever i came from
Germany.
It was cool, whatever.
I don't know about you guys but i forsee a wooorld of trouble coming my way. For the last few months i've been getting this nausea in the back of my spine about it. It feels like a gut instinct, but there's no such thing for me. I can't BASE possibly future demises on gut feelings that don't even exist. I don't get premonitions. I think the problem is that i think i am special (in a bad way) and the more i read and hear and discover just how alike me and some other people are makes me feel half depressed and half relieved. What is this?
Everything i see, hear, or do is fear fear and fear. Stupid things that don't make sense. Whatever. At least i've been cooking up this backup plan ever since i landed in Calgary. It would be so unlikely of working that i think it would actually work. Haha i don't know, like does everyone get to the same point of despair where killing yourself just seems to actually make sense? And like not because things are like really horrible and unbearable or anything, or that there's a lot of pain or something. I just mean like when you're really unhappy with surroundings but they were okay just a few days ago yknow? and you're like uhh oh wait what's going on WHAT this was cool before and now it's not? And you're like okay well this sucks but how do i REALLY feel i wonder?? Cause one day my lifes a big fat ol fucking party marty and then its like jk so what are you going to do about it yyykknnooww.... i don't know. I don't know. I wish someone could read my head and just tell me "I know." And like yeah maybe things just like get bad and you have to make things better, or something to that effect.
But when things get bad all i can think about is panic, and how i'm going to lose my mind and control and everythings going to fall down and apart and i'm going to watch it happen and then i'm just going to sit there. because i'm lazy. because i care about everything and everyone but myself as though i love to be irresponsible and make a conscious effort of avoid it everd4y. Because reveling in how sad and shitty and hopeless everything can become in no time makes me feel like exactly how i want to.
I feel like justifying why i'm so lazy and hopeless and feel this teeth grinding envy (the bad kind) when people talk about their successes or what they plan to do to better themselves or like get an education. Like in my mind my head explodes i'm like i don't care please stop talking about it. I think the worst part is if i don't hear about accomplishments, i can have comfort in knowing that i would PROBABLY be really stoked for them. But instead when i hear it all i can think about is myself. And i feel like not human because aren't humans supposed to be better than that? Fighting with myself typing words to make excuses for myself works sometimes i guess, i don't know. Maybe deep down i'm happy for everyone, i guess. The only reply ever floating around in my head is "i want that to be me" but i say "oh!" or "thats awesome" but like i try to make it seem like theres a bit of me not caring, yukno? I don't know why CRAZY PAULA
I've only been back here for 12 hours. SUprise suprise i'm tired again. All i want to do is be alone and sleep.
tomorrow i might wake up and be like wer90fdLKJHSDFKJAHDSFHD0HSFDDSFLKSJFHASDFHSADFKJSDHALKDJHFASLDFIHSADFKJSDH
:D;d;D;D MOVING IN DAY!!!! SUMMER!!! NEIGHBOURS!!
and everything will be normal again asdsakldjsad
I guess i feel like i run on a timer. Ughgh i can't think of the word right now, but you know those timers in board games with the salt? i feel like my body takes turns on being like YEAH to being like NAH in like 1-4 day intervals. It's soo exhausting. I wish i knew how to make it better. Im so productive when i'm filling up with sand, and so sad and lonely and dead when i lose it again.
The worse part i guess is knowing it will come back by either the end of today or in like 4 days.
Ottawa was fun. I guess i just summed it up pretty much. I mean some things happened that were appalling, some were really fun. It all evened out enough to entirely be summed up by "was fun"
I mean i'd go again. Maybe stay with Brett though.
Only thing weird was that when i was over there everything seemed backwards and I was someone that i'm not here. And i can't tell if it's who i really am, or filling in my position of who i was. trip down memory lane. Can you ever even really tell that kind of shit anyway?
The weirdest part of that was that i was like... the funny one. Idk i'm never 'the funny one' i've just always been socially awkward with not enough confidence to even crack a joke.
And with my friends here yeah like, i'm kind of funny i dunno but for the most part i'm just there i guess. I mean sometimes i'm funny and rude, but nothing prominent enough to take a title of or anything.
I think that about sums it up. I don't believe a thing i say. I should start believing in something i guess cause as far as i'm concerned, im just your average chattering disease bag. Where nothing means anything to me no matter how hard i try. Like i am soulless???? I think it's going to be pretty interesting seeing how i turn out............
Nightxoxox0xox0o
Germany.
It was cool, whatever.
I don't know about you guys but i forsee a wooorld of trouble coming my way. For the last few months i've been getting this nausea in the back of my spine about it. It feels like a gut instinct, but there's no such thing for me. I can't BASE possibly future demises on gut feelings that don't even exist. I don't get premonitions. I think the problem is that i think i am special (in a bad way) and the more i read and hear and discover just how alike me and some other people are makes me feel half depressed and half relieved. What is this?
Everything i see, hear, or do is fear fear and fear. Stupid things that don't make sense. Whatever. At least i've been cooking up this backup plan ever since i landed in Calgary. It would be so unlikely of working that i think it would actually work. Haha i don't know, like does everyone get to the same point of despair where killing yourself just seems to actually make sense? And like not because things are like really horrible and unbearable or anything, or that there's a lot of pain or something. I just mean like when you're really unhappy with surroundings but they were okay just a few days ago yknow? and you're like uhh oh wait what's going on WHAT this was cool before and now it's not? And you're like okay well this sucks but how do i REALLY feel i wonder?? Cause one day my lifes a big fat ol fucking party marty and then its like jk so what are you going to do about it yyykknnooww.... i don't know. I don't know. I wish someone could read my head and just tell me "I know." And like yeah maybe things just like get bad and you have to make things better, or something to that effect.
But when things get bad all i can think about is panic, and how i'm going to lose my mind and control and everythings going to fall down and apart and i'm going to watch it happen and then i'm just going to sit there. because i'm lazy. because i care about everything and everyone but myself as though i love to be irresponsible and make a conscious effort of avoid it everd4y. Because reveling in how sad and shitty and hopeless everything can become in no time makes me feel like exactly how i want to.
I feel like justifying why i'm so lazy and hopeless and feel this teeth grinding envy (the bad kind) when people talk about their successes or what they plan to do to better themselves or like get an education. Like in my mind my head explodes i'm like i don't care please stop talking about it. I think the worst part is if i don't hear about accomplishments, i can have comfort in knowing that i would PROBABLY be really stoked for them. But instead when i hear it all i can think about is myself. And i feel like not human because aren't humans supposed to be better than that? Fighting with myself typing words to make excuses for myself works sometimes i guess, i don't know. Maybe deep down i'm happy for everyone, i guess. The only reply ever floating around in my head is "i want that to be me" but i say "oh!" or "thats awesome" but like i try to make it seem like theres a bit of me not caring, yukno? I don't know why CRAZY PAULA
I've only been back here for 12 hours. SUprise suprise i'm tired again. All i want to do is be alone and sleep.
tomorrow i might wake up and be like wer90fdLKJHSDFKJAHDSFHD0HSFDDSFLKSJFHASDFHSADFKJSDHALKDJHFASLDFIHSADFKJSDH
:D;d;D;D MOVING IN DAY!!!! SUMMER!!! NEIGHBOURS!!
and everything will be normal again asdsakldjsad
I guess i feel like i run on a timer. Ughgh i can't think of the word right now, but you know those timers in board games with the salt? i feel like my body takes turns on being like YEAH to being like NAH in like 1-4 day intervals. It's soo exhausting. I wish i knew how to make it better. Im so productive when i'm filling up with sand, and so sad and lonely and dead when i lose it again.
The worse part i guess is knowing it will come back by either the end of today or in like 4 days.
Ottawa was fun. I guess i just summed it up pretty much. I mean some things happened that were appalling, some were really fun. It all evened out enough to entirely be summed up by "was fun"
I mean i'd go again. Maybe stay with Brett though.
Only thing weird was that when i was over there everything seemed backwards and I was someone that i'm not here. And i can't tell if it's who i really am, or filling in my position of who i was. trip down memory lane. Can you ever even really tell that kind of shit anyway?
The weirdest part of that was that i was like... the funny one. Idk i'm never 'the funny one' i've just always been socially awkward with not enough confidence to even crack a joke.
And with my friends here yeah like, i'm kind of funny i dunno but for the most part i'm just there i guess. I mean sometimes i'm funny and rude, but nothing prominent enough to take a title of or anything.
I think that about sums it up. I don't believe a thing i say. I should start believing in something i guess cause as far as i'm concerned, im just your average chattering disease bag. Where nothing means anything to me no matter how hard i try. Like i am soulless???? I think it's going to be pretty interesting seeing how i turn out............
Nightxoxox0xox0o
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
144
Reading old shit that doesn't seem old until you look at the 2 digits with a 0 in front of the number on the right. 06 07 08 09 Anything with a 0 in front is completely obliterated. It's never going to be seen or heard of after you die. It's like when you die billions and billions of hours worth of film is destroyed and no one is ever going to get to see it again. So much more dies than just you when you're dead, i guess. All these lies and truths and secrets just die, like they just disappear, they never even existed actually.
How should this make me feel? The blog conversations that were had make my stomach wrench and hurt. Like nothing even happened it must not have EVEN happened. Does everyone feel this way about remembering things? like sick and lonely, like sick and bewildered, like sick and old.
The last 2 years have like disappeared or something, i feel senile and sad because i can't remember what i have to feel sad about. But that's just it, i'm just sad.
It's like if you were to contemplate the process of memory long enough you might actually lose your mind.We trust a memory? This complex phenomenon that allows us to remember thoughts and feelings and smells and sounds from the time we were old enough to know how to use it. Pictures, tape, and memory are alllll we have to prove that anything ever existed.
I guess it's just that you have this vague memory of things that WERE, that remembers less of something nice every year you grow older. Details start floating further back. I used to know what she said, what we said, what the joke was. Was is it again? I'll have to wait months maybe years until something happens that triggers an emotion that gets my lobes sprung and i will just remember. And smile and try to think about it as much as possible before i forget again.
There are so many things that i would like to think about, but i know i have to wait so long before something sparks up my memory. Something weird and completely unrelated almost. It's not something you will ever get to experience again and if you try it's just impossible. It's just in your head to taunt and haunt you and remind you that subconsciously you have years and years recorded in your mind and you never know when a smell or sunset is going to trigger something that makes you want to curl up and mourn over the loss of something you will never even remember 100% again.
That's humans huh?
Just don't say you're sorry cause sorry means something is wrong.
How should this make me feel? The blog conversations that were had make my stomach wrench and hurt. Like nothing even happened it must not have EVEN happened. Does everyone feel this way about remembering things? like sick and lonely, like sick and bewildered, like sick and old.
The last 2 years have like disappeared or something, i feel senile and sad because i can't remember what i have to feel sad about. But that's just it, i'm just sad.
It's like if you were to contemplate the process of memory long enough you might actually lose your mind.We trust a memory? This complex phenomenon that allows us to remember thoughts and feelings and smells and sounds from the time we were old enough to know how to use it. Pictures, tape, and memory are alllll we have to prove that anything ever existed.
I guess it's just that you have this vague memory of things that WERE, that remembers less of something nice every year you grow older. Details start floating further back. I used to know what she said, what we said, what the joke was. Was is it again? I'll have to wait months maybe years until something happens that triggers an emotion that gets my lobes sprung and i will just remember. And smile and try to think about it as much as possible before i forget again.
There are so many things that i would like to think about, but i know i have to wait so long before something sparks up my memory. Something weird and completely unrelated almost. It's not something you will ever get to experience again and if you try it's just impossible. It's just in your head to taunt and haunt you and remind you that subconsciously you have years and years recorded in your mind and you never know when a smell or sunset is going to trigger something that makes you want to curl up and mourn over the loss of something you will never even remember 100% again.
That's humans huh?
Just don't say you're sorry cause sorry means something is wrong.
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