10 Minutes

As usual I am feeling apathetic and a little tired.
Note to self, when catching up on your thoughts and feelings, Paula, fill in the blanks and holes with "apathy" and "tiredness" for a good chunk of the months.

What's new?

I figure I might want to start blogging more often in the event something strange really does end up happening like, well, how it's spring in winter here in Calgary and the birds and plants are very confused.
Typical that the fucking human beings aimlessly walking around don't seem to be confused or well, even concerned.

Dear Internet,
This is not beautiful weather, this is global warming.
Canada is heating up for the most part, and the UK is freezing over

This is why I don't take life seriously anymore.
Er, "life" as in the strategically lined out series of events in which we are all supposed to partake in if we want to feel we have succeeded, or at least appear that way.
I am really not thinking about school anymore, and more about how I can spend my time better, which should always be more important, regardless if the sustainability of life can be withheld for much longer or not.
It feels good to type this out, to not a human directly, annoyed at how much I bring this up.
And it's like, everyone thinks basing my decisions off of what I assume is happening is a waste, because it could not actually happen?
It's happening, right now...
I don't even care that no one cares anymore. It used to upset me to the point of headache and inner rage but now I just don't care.
The only annoying part is having to deal with changes.
The only thing i'm obviously not sure about it how long and how bad it's going to get, as in I might be able to live in to my 50+ or it's going to be much sooner
But I mean, either way, something is changing riiight before our eyes.
A customer told me, people will start worrying when winter stays like this, and it will stay like this.

Sometimes I seriously evaluate myself when I write things like this. Like seriously try to see if this seems like some paranoid schizophrenia shit
But then it's like... what is it exactly that I'm exaggerating or being unreasonable about?
It's literally U/V tanning weather in the "deep-freeze" months of Calgary winter.
I don't feel like I have to justify anything, really.

oh and, this is how I feel about, you, sometimes, a lot



maybe most times, but I don't really want to talk about it.


This was longer than 10 minutes

I'm in a bad mood, but I think the most when i'm being shitty.
And least I haven't felt depressed enough to complain about things as often as I was, right? Right? Amirite Paula?
I haven't felt depressed like I used to anymore
I feel happy even though I'm dying





Uhh and you're not even worth mentioning besides this,
this is more of a reference line for future reading, and I haven't thought about you on my own since the last time I saw you.
I feel like I should feel shitty about that, but I don't, because I don't care
and I feel like I should have maybe even a bit

Everything is weird in every possible element in my life.
It's kind of a beautiful feeling but it's also scary
I haven't decided if it's sad or just too late to be sad



Shallow work, is the work that I do.

P