Calories 460

I realize now I seemed poetic and mysterious and deeply a'brood because I was trying to conceal the direction and general concept/point of most things. I realize that I haven't become boring, and that leaving out details would only vindicate me for as long as I could remember things so passive aggressively for.

you know like when everyone cared, sort of, about stuff, kind of?
right

and you're like sending these sort of subliminal messages to people you knew because they would read it. but like,
you wanted them to wonder

"is this about me?..."
NOPE it's PROBABLLLYYY not
but it's an ego boost to wonder

(actually, this is about me)

And then this weird thing happens where everyone kind of grows up and they all kind of go pangaea (how clever) on everyone else, and they all split apart and form their own countries and continents in their own little worlds.
It's a totally different world now, and while they engage in the path of total exclusiveness, they inveitably exclude those who have not totally abandonned ship (or grasped the understanding) of this entire process.
Then at the same time they find new people, or keep specific ones, and they place them on this little island and then the next thing you know you're having a conversation like this:

"Have you seen Jennifer around? Is she still dating Ken?"
"Ohh, geeze, um, I actually have no idea... I haven't talked to her in a while, we don't hang out anymore really.."
"Really! that's so weird! how come?"
"_____________"

And you're like, what DID happen to me and Jennifer? And you're like, nothing, that's right.
And then you're like, that sucks the most.
nothing.
And then you feel moments or like centuries of depression and then you forget about it or something or wish you were dead or at least a vegetable so you don't have to think about stuff like that anymore or even remember anything
who REALLY wants to remember anyways?

Anyways, anyways? Anyways

"Congratulations!

On all of your skdskfdksjdslfjdsljsd
I wish you the best on all of your edeavors so dfjdsofssdf;dsfkjdsf
Hope we can dfjsoifjsdfj soon!"

Sincerely
whoooooooooooooo
caaaaaaaaaares

You can take my place, if you want

Sincerely
whooooooooooooo cares

You can take their place if you want to

Sincerely
WHO
CARES

i will struggle through life, most likely and choose not to be depressed about it and that's going to be what I live for
Trying to evade depression!

It's funny that people live with the cards their dealt, and some people are just going to breeze through live the easiest way available

I don't care what you'll live for
I don't care how much money you make
I don't care about what car you'll drive
I don't care about where you'll live
I don't care about who you'll marry
I don't care about what you'll accomplish by the time you're ___

But maybe I do
But then it's like, IF I don't care, who is going to?
And if no one really cares, then what's the fucking point?
Did you impress yourself? Because no one else CARES


This wasn't supposed to be long,
or shitty,
but it was both!

Ahhhhhh, yes

Sincerely,

whooooooooo
fucking
cAAAAAAAARES

get drunk

Hark! Whales......

Like I could go crazy and stuff and say something crazy and do something crazy
but I have the feeling that I assume smoking weed gives people with problems right now
I feel like puking for ever being concerned about any of this because probably one day
I'm going to WISH I had shit this little and insignificant to "deal" with or worry about

Time to turn my concerns onward to something a little bit more relevant...
A... JOB?

But while I'm here I guess I could mull things over a bit

SJHDSFHDSFDS
DF SDJFSD09GUFDGJDFSGSJDG;KDJ;JFD9GUERJ DSJGFDG90ERG GFDGDF
FDGDFGSJL;GJDSFG9RESGJGKSJFDG;SFDJGS;DFKJHSDFHSDFHSDFHSSDHDFHF

I DON'T CARE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DFKJGDF9GDJFGKFDJGKSDJFS;KDJGSDFKGJSDFGSFDG

TURN OFF THE SUCK AISOJDdsadkasdksafd
fdfndsfsdfnsofiewf9ewthHDOFHADSOFIHASDFJDSAFASDLFKJASDIFAEJFOFHDSIGHGFJHA;JDFA

COULD YOU ALL LIIIE ANY MORE THAN YOU ALREADY DO?????????????// ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????/// SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERIOUSLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11??????????????

whew, for a minute, I lost myself

It times like these that I miss Wasi the most.. probably because you never got any bullshit from him, you could take everything at face value, why are there no humans like that around?
He didn't flirt around with some people, he didn't have favorites, or make you feel more insecure than another
Sometimes he liked people and sometimes he didn't........
Sometimes he liked to bite kittens necks, and sometimes he liked to clean them....
And no one had a problem with that!
Because at least when he was trying to starve the kittens to death,
he was honest about it.

And that made everything okay

miss you miss you miss you bud........... (@)


I should be finishing a mid term (starting)... 1pm was me and kate waking up early........
I've wasted so much time here sleeping.. 3pm 4pm 330pm 250pm 5pm
But at the same time I guess not because I love sleeping and I'm happy

what happens when you lose some pressure?

you're pretty not that it matters cause you know this isn't beauty and the beast shit
(I don't believe in either one)
You don't touch you grip I've noticed this and I know you know that I'm an elitist-
and I just think you're cool!

here:




You know that I would love to see you next year
I hope that I am still alive next year
You magnify the way I think about myself
before you came I rarely thought about myself

you know that I would love to see you in that dress
I hope that I will live to see you undressed
the every day is part of what consumes me
the hate I feel is part of what fuels me

I like to wait to see how things turn out
If you apply some pressure

What happens when you lose everything?
you just start again, you start all over again

I hope that I am still alive next year

HARDWIRE

har har

I am going to be single for the rest of my life
80% choice, 20% chance

GOOD.

I don't even LIKE girls

GOOD. I don't even LIKE being nice

GOOD.

I don't even LIKE talking

GOOD.

GOODGOODGOOD

I'm tired but I feel worse when i'm sleeping

ODDLY ENOUGH... I feel like cooking something..... and like, uh
I don't even know how to cook

Right now Price is Right is on and so far none of them made it passed the first round
I hate feeling sad for people I don't even know

Maybe I'll call Cyndi tonight, I don't really feel like wasting another day
I just hate the whole leaving process.... I miss Tiffany being involved in that friendship
she talks better than I do, I barely know how to talk at all
I should of been deaf and I should of been a son..

UGGHH IFF III guessed 800 and someone guessed 801 and won, I would start puking... that's sooo fucking cheap

I should do laundry I should clean my room I should be studying
I'll end up doing none of these things, and then look for opportunities to get drunk
when I find none I'll be in bed by 10pm like everynight, and I will wake up at 6am
where my day will start again, the exact same!
Maybe I'll get into more youtube comment fights, there's my entertainment for the day

Actually, I'm just going to stay out of this, and, you're welcome.
I feel like screaming "I TOLD YOU SO"
I want to live in san Fransisco..................
I also want to eat Pad Sew until I die but who doesn't?
I'm not ready for this uhuhuhuhuhuh I never was and now look
IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I
TOLD
YOU
SO

I should probably get some groceries.. as much as i dig living off of mini bagles and potato salad...

anyway, I'm gonna go do something probably not productive but wishful thinking

bye

what a great day to spend indoors

hello bestfriend blogger,

today i have not left my bed but like thats the same as every day i guess
human contact at this point seems pointless to start again
except i need a job, and maybe if i have a job consuming my every waking existence
ill have a real excuse to be sad, but it wont feel as shitty and ill explain how that works another time

I couldn't even get out of bed to hang out with my dad today but maybe i'll just go over there for the weekend or something i mean that actually might be more fun
than living in my hole in the wall room occasionally getting up to pee

but i applied for jobs last night a lot working from home and maybe i need to like GET out because im sure being trapped in four walls everyday is real great from the self loathing part of wanting to die

i feel as good as this tattoo looks,

just kidding i feel like this:

just kidding this breaks my heart more than anything:

bring me back bring me back bring me back
i would take living with dragonqueen at age of 17 again to go back, any day, but maybe i'm neurotic and lifes always sucked this bad
i'm really glad like 1 person reads my blog otherwise GuLllHuuLLl

anyways i'm going to go do homework now

c u later blog

to whom it may concern

I wouldn't wish this on anyone


I know you'd rather see me gone than to see me the way that I am
but I am in the life anyway.

It's a comedy of errors, you see
It's about taking a fall.

To vanish into oblivion is easy to do

and I try to be
but, you know me,

I come back
when
you
want
me
to.

Can't you just leave 'bad enough' alone?

One of these days I have got to realize that my menstrual cycle comes once a week,
and therefore the epitome of sadness that is my entire being cannot possibly all be due to a fluctuation in hormone levels although that's really what I wish it was because then maybe I could just take iron and sleep for a couple days and be back to normal

maybe this is growing up, and maybe if you think about it too much depression is inevitable, essentially, and i guess maybe this is something I could control, if I really wanted to, but here I always come back to the comfort in being sad, and I think this is a good example of a sentence fragment but I'm not sure

I need a job, I need some friends, I need to live alone with out any one without any cats and either get better or go crazy but either way, in both cases, nothing you feel matters anyways right

you make me so happy but it goes away when I'm alone and the longer I'm alone the more I like it and if I like to be alone that means I'll always find the easy way out and if I'm just going to do that anyways then why am i even alive you know

It sucks to cry about how every one lets you down and you can ignore how many people you've let down on two hands but it doesn't matter because everyones a fucking narcissist to some fucking degree and everyone sucks, and everyones self motivated and egoistic. Some people are better at hiding it than others, and some people are better at making it seem like they care the most by acting like they don't and humans are so drawn to shit like that it really makes you wonder why

Right now I have nothing in particular to look forward to, at all, and I suppose this could be temporary but the possibility of permanency is always looming anyways and I guess that's why I'm so skeptical about everything because there's just always been this darkness to my being looming around in the background of EVERYTHING nice that could ever happen or I could ever feel. I mean maybe it's anxiety? I dunno, I don't really know what else disguises itself in that kind of way, or what other thing looms like that? I suppose its pessimism, if nothing else, but what is the point of anyone trying to be happy then? Why aren't we ALL just miserable all the time? Maybe we are, I dunno, but at least I'm nice. At least if I die, I'll be remembered for being nice.

Maybe I could stop this and maybe I'll feel better in a couple days but who knows or cares i just don't understand how some people can just be like,so excited about stuff all the time when like they don't know when they're going to die, or if something really terrible is going to happen within the next few years or so or if some sort of tragedy will strike their lives any moment, ... Do people not constantly dwell on things like this? And if not, how? WHY? How come? That is so unfair i could puke

Maybe though, this is just a build up of emotions I've been feelingforthe last 3 months or so and maybe blogging really is an appropriate outlet? It lets you see how insane and pathetic you look, how can you even type when you are sitting so deep in a pool of incredible self loathing.... oh and i really hope that was just about withdrawal and it wasn't personal, you know?

Anyways i guess i just don't have anyone to talk to anymore and i'mnot on particularly good terms with anyone right now, and all i do is bite my lip and chew it, and then worry about smoking with raw lips and how everyone is moving so quickly away from me and it always sucks to be the one left behind you know?and not the one leaving things... because when you're leaving something it seems insignificant and it feels right and you feel better than everyone, even though no one will EVER admit that's what they feel when they are going on to the key steps of really pursuing a dream or something getting a really great career and stuff
And you don't even have time to look back or care because you are moving on to better things, and you don't eeeven have to care about the little ones anymore, you don't even think about them, it just happens
Guilty?
And I'm sorry to who ever my victim(s) was(were) because it sucks but there is nothing you can really do about it, and i mean why should you care if it cannot be reciprocated anyways?

"Friendships, in general, are suddenly contracted; and therefore it is no wonder they are easily dissolved"
Joseph Addison

Maybe i should be really trying to make friends and have a good time at university but it's so hard, i feel like in order to make friends ill have to let everything i stand for fall a bit, just so i can be on the same page with SOMEONE, SORT OF? And then i contemplate its worth and then i realize the amount of silence going on between me and that person has been going on too long anyways so trying to talk now would just be, uncomfortable.

Maybe i don't even stand for anything worthwhile, in particular, besides racism sexism and homophobia and stuff like that
Maybe making friends isn't hard

I also notice i go through these phases like the thought of drinking makes me sick and I'll look for excuses not to drink, and same with smoking, and then I'll feel better, like not so sick or depressed and I'll want to drink or smoke again, is that weird?

Anyways, i have been losing copious amounts of blood since Thursday so I'm really tired and I'll probably wake up at 12pm tomorrow, after i scare myself to sleep with thoughts of death and how I'm running low on money with no job in hindsight, lol I'm such a treat!

^___________________________________^

C U