the hell song

i don't think there are words to describe how i feel lately.
Just basic generic words that barely touch base with what i'm really actually feeling all the time.
i guess sad. lonely? scared.... confused? overwhelmed... unsettled, exhausted, useless, pointless, cold, distant?

life was simple when there was just one cat when i was just one person when there was just one room when there was just one goal when there was just one decision i could have made
i kind of miss highschool i miss living in cochrane sometimes i miss pretending to like boys i miss "1 saturday morning" and i miss having one stupid idiot loser friend and the only possible thing there was to fight about was lego and who got to be who in some fake imaginary world we played in you know?

and i don't even think all the kittens in the world could make me feel betterrr dkjh8dhkh
it's like i have this dark looming secret inside of me thats been eating me alive but i don't even have any secrets anymore, is that unhealthy?

i feel like a dead beat girlfriend and a shitty pet owner and an irresponsible daughter and an inconsiderate grandchild and a pretend niece and a non existent aunt. The whole family concept really gets to me. It might of been cool growing up and being okay with the theory that blood isn't always thicker than water but here i AMmmmmmmmm and ugghhh

i'm lazy and selfish and sneaky and stupid and i caaan't stop there are so many things i want to change about myself but it's hard when i'm lazy and pessimistic why the fuck did i have to be so fucking pessimistic it's not fair because when it's paired up with laziness i'm just hopeless and dependent and needy and lost and i guess i've never really "taken control" of my life, i just find the easy way out of every single fucking thing. If i lived by myself i don't even know what the fuck would become of me and that's a really terrifying fucking thought.

I just have a bunch of really depressed thoughts that make me not even want to try anything because i don't trust anything or anyone and all i can think about is how i'm suuure that the well being of each individual person is never considered. The only thing thats ever considered is the well being of the entire human population as whole, which means the government wants people to die. If we don't die individually then everyone dies together at the same time at a slow rate. That thought alone makes me not even want to get out of bed, this whole entire planet is sooooo fucked up and it just ties into little petty things going on in my life which just makes everything worse and oh my god i feel like a hamster trying to find my way out of my stupid smelly cage. My stomach is always upset because i'm always so stressed and worried and scared about nothing in particular, but everything at the same time. I feel sick and nauseous and bored and unmotivated and if i could just fix one of those things, other things might start falling in line but it just comes down to WHATEVER.

I'm trying to just keep thinking like everythings going to be okay and even if my worst fears do happen then i will eventually jsut have to deal with it, and then move on and then it will just be another bad memory but i also just want to curl up into a ball the majority of the time whyyyyy do i have to feel like thisss my mom always said a million times "no one should have to suffer ever" but how is that possible when noooo one fucking cares or understands and doctors treat you like customers, not patient its like a game of how fast can you get them out of your fucking office or how fast do you think you can prescribe a bottle of antibiotics for someone who doesn't feel okay and UGH.

I hate how i can't leave my house without dressing nicely, and doing my hair and make up.
Its like i just can't FACE anything, i can't face the world, i can't face consequences, i can't face criticism, i can't face confrontation, i can't face the fact that there is CLEARLY a problem here that i've been ignoring for YEARS but what the hell am i supposed to do about it? And all i can do is sit back and pin point the reasons why i hate myself and am sooo self conscious that it actually interferes with shit on a regular basis such as me being late for EVERYTHING because i can't LOOK OKAY enough to face judging shitty eyes and i have to take cabs if time is getting narrow and i don't look OKAY enough to take public transit without being so insecure i can't even put my head up. And there's a million things that probably contributed to this and i could name the big ones off the top of my head like..
The girls i became friends with in middle school were never satisfied with the amount of femininity i showed, no matter how "girly" i dressed within my comfort zone
Playing basketball in my driveway and running out to the road to retrieve a stray ball and someone in a truck yelling GET OFF THE ROAD YOU FAT BITCH when i was ummm 13 fucking years old
My dad grabbing my calves, jiggling them, and saying "are kids your age supposed to have that much fat on their legs?"
Boys pleading out loud for the song to change in "snowball" at school dances so they could switch partners before anyone saw them
Getting rejected by every single boy i ever "had a crush on"
The constant reminders "not to end up like Kelsey" everytime we ate a fucking meal
Boys making fun of me ALL the time and never making fun of the pretty girls
How shitty i started to feel towards the end of grade 10 because i realized that i had never ever once felt attractive in my entire life and no one had ever made me feel attractive unless i was DRESSED up big time by someone else. And even then it never sounded sincere. "Paula you are so pretty" just sounded sad. And i guess i just neeever wanted to feel that way ever again sooo to compensate with my oblivion to this whole "inner "beauty" concept" i suspect i'll be wearing make up for the rest of my life, which kind of suckssss but on the bright side i kind of like experimenting with make up just because of how much it can alter a persons appearance. And i don't really know how i feel about that i guess, but well i guess i do, and i think it's cool.

And i always mean to write short blogs but once the baaalllllllll gets rolling i guess i just can't dish out enough negative thoughts. And now i'm bored and don't feel like solving this or investigating any further, how eveerr old next door neighbour from Switzerland has returned to Calgary. Maybe we will hang out soon and i might take my mind off things unless shes really annoying which she could be and then well i dunno what i'll do. Throw a mug off the balcony.

Okay WELL not to be a Debbie Downer or anything SSDDSDKSODKSODKSODKSDOK
I really want to play a live show.

Bye

hope i do turn into you

I'm worried that my sudden realization that you can't really trust anyone, is going to turn me into my mom. That is, a person who prefers to be without the company of others majority of the time, with friends she doesn't like, but doesn't not like, who she'll sometimes be bothered to swap boring stories with.
I don't want to hate everyone i meet or know, but i guess i'm just a late bloomer commencing my foray into Spite city, Stew ville USA. I guess a lot of people have known about this for decades though, learning that the people you actually don't mind talking to have some pretty mean things to say about you, toi, tu? Which i guess is an obvious given because people just suck and are in constant "bored" mode and have nothing better to do, and i mean obviously this has been happening since humans were dumb enough to start talking. And obviously this includes me as well, which is funny that i would get offended by anything ever.
I mean i feel like i'm at a crossroad where i should make a decision about my attitude towards life and people pretty quick here lol, including the infamous Bill and Bridget and other unmentionable characters in my life. And i think they are probably both NO RETURN roads. Have i ever mentioned that i think there isn't a metaphor that i hate more than "ROAD OF L1FE"
All embarrassment aside, here is a little sneak peek at some pessimistic, but necessary thoughts on L1FES PATH TO ENLIGHTENMENT-

'Road A: this is the same road you have been traveling down since you started acknowledging beings other than your mom. Continue being fairly, decently, nice and pleasant towards current friends and future friends, disregard most annoying shitty things about them, as they are disregarding most of your poor qualities, probably, too. Keep accepting the certain attitudes and behavior which are "normal and standard" for said person, but make sure to keep up the annoying things you do and say to keep it even, and don't bother to change any of this there is no point anyways.
Road B: Take a new path where you quickly dismiss the shitty attitudes that have grown weary and irrelevant to the rest of your life in motion, and unload promptly. When dealing with a shitty interaction, see said person always as shallow, take at face value, and do not try to investigate or invest time in finding out that oh, they actually just suck. Be on top of this game, reevaluate your own flaws and put a halt to anything negative you do that someone could throw back in your face one day(as though it were possible ha ha). Be better, stronger, smarter and easier. There's no better way to prove to someone you don't give a fuck quite like being passive, carefree, and simple. Passive, the real passive, sans aggression. Toss unnecessary sarcasm and satire from your vocabulary, because do we really need to make people feel like bigger idiots than they really, clearly, obviously are?

I'm being negaaaative, that's my problem. I'm being negative and i'm in denial of all my own shitty mistakes and doings and annoying fucking personality traits. I don't know i don't knooooww
I feel like when i'm older, 40, I won't even think about all the people i know now. Most of them.
Maybe i just don't even have that many friends or know that many people at all actually to begin with!


I'm just in a bad mood because i'm mulling over things that piss me off, mostly humans in general ugh oh my god. I wondered if with the way things are going on in the world today, if it would now just be more appropriate to refer to someone as 'not human' as a term of endearment, rather than 'you are human''.
"You are human" should be the biggest fucking insult, slap across the face, kick in the box, punch to the dick this side of planet Earth.

Urk in other news i got into MountRoyal. I'm really excited, but at the same time i don't know if deep down i want to work with people, and write and be proactive to help influence pop culture and make everyone realize how fucking shitty they are and how stupid, not shitty, just OBVIOUSLY stupid society is right now. Orrr if i want to be a fucking starving musician and do what i can with that. Or find a school with recording engineering. I had a dream that i feel like i should listen to last night. Basically: Open studies for a year, if it's going no where, stop and enroll into a recording arts school. I feel like if i got the right band combination, something might take off. Hairy legs could be a trend, at least if it phased out, it would never be NOT okay to NOT shave your legs ever again, simple things like that to make a huge difference. Every bit counntss. Waaa one step at a time i guess. Soooo many periods.... lol I'm reallllly excited to go to school anyways, i'll still have time for jammmin and everything i'm really glad Rachel pushed for me to go because i woouuldn't have what a nice surprise i've been sleeping better at night not thinking "whats next..." anymore i honestly didn't think i'd ever go just needed the right kick in the bum and now it's like best decision of my liife.

Oh and.. i always know when Jacks gone to bed when i'm preoccupied with the computer cause i'll finally tune into my surroundings and it's alllways the country music channel playing. Kind of like when you realize you're 5 minutes into 'death sex' and then change it.

There are some people you have in your life, better kept for special occasion purposes. I mean really special.
You might unravel a person no one wanted to know post novelty wear off

Anyways, i should go to bed i have a big giant day of doing DICK all tomorrow, and i couldn't be happier.



/////This is the end of my blog, if you find yourself hungry for more, i will put my keyboard on 'auto-type' for those of you who wish to continue your readings. Compliments of SOWHATWHOCARE inc. Feast your eyes on this and, happy trails!!


[COMMENCING AUTO-TYPE]I got 2 new kittens this week, Louie and Jude, and Quasi is not fond of them but Quasi doesn't []have much of a say as he is being shipped back to the wild as soon as we find him a ride share. []And by that i mean i just discovered that 8 months ago i adopted a WILD kitten from a feral []wild cat. Which i mean explains the crazed darting, creeping, scowling, and stalking he displays []on a regular basis. Not to mention the unfriendly and intimidating facial features and hobbies. []Don't get me wrong i mean he's a great guy, real good bud to have around when you're lonely []or feel like cleaning up messes. Always up for a game of pounce and stalk. I find his real forte []though is that he is always there for you if you feel like getting a surprise bite on the calf when []you are the least unsuspecting. But REALLY he is a pretty good cat i mean i cried when i was []informed he probably needed to go back to the farm he came from so he could be wild and []free and beautiful and happy. It's wrronng of me to keep a wild cat in an []apartment building downtown but i just love him so muchhhh!!! I'm really going to miss him, []and i will never stop feeling shitty and guilty about replacing him with kittens BUT it's the []besst thing for him i'm just being selfish. Okay but one more thing class, before you graduate, []Quasi has been doing something really unsettling which might make giving him back a little []easier. We think he might be trying to kill the kittens by terminating and sabotaging their []food supply. Haha seriously, i've witness him do it 3 times, so has Jack and Tiffany even more times than that. When he []thinks no one is watching him, he slowly approaches their food and water dish and flips it over, []and eats as much of the kitten food as he can, and then he TAKES the mat underneath WITH []his teeth, and FOLDS it over the food so the kitten can't access their food supply. Sometimes he []just hides the food with the mat. I mean HOLY FUCKING CLEVER SMART CAT, and i []appreciate the humor and the technique! But i think he's just gotta go. Ughghudfhuh actually i []don't think i can do it actuallyyyy i don't want to give him away kljfs0dfjdlsdkfjsdlfkjsf fuck i'll []deal with it later.
[]Chat you guys up next time,

Paula
[AUTO-TYPE COMPLETED]

one more thing class, before you graduate...

nevermind

i quit quitting because i'm not a quitter

quick blog here i have smoked ummmm 4 times already mostly prime times though i'm going to barf lol

umm cyndi is getting a drum set mrs nezbitts

i should shower UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

anyways bye got dicking around to do