bogus---- making up for lost time, man

I think i have a hormone imbalance.
But like, a serious one, like i'll bet if i got tests done something pretty interesting would come up.
Right now i don't care enough to actualllllly get checked but i'll still be in the mood for complaining for months to come ;)

That was pretty unrelated to what i feel like talkin about i guess though so well come back to that later if i remember...

M Ov I nG fOrWarD >>

Last night at work i felt a bit more confident, like, drunk confident, and thought about asking my new almost friend Cyndi (bakery grl) and her boyfriend Blake to go to Vern's to see my sisters band play
It sucked when i had realized i lost her number probably in the shityt abyss of the washing machine

I mean, not that she gave me her number or anything, but i wrote it down during one of our Top 40 vibe hitz text-to-landline dicking around that we do at work.
Sending them back and fourth to our departments for an hour during closing shifts.
And like,
before the automated voice reads the text to you aloud in a juttery disfigured woman's voice,
it tells you the number it was sent from.
Soooo i wrote it down, just to have it, you know, so what who cares...

Well i put it in my back pocket, in actual fear she might see what i was writing down when she came running over and like, this is probably something normal that i shouldn't feel weird about, but because i feel weird about it, it just some how magnifies how weird it is. And i don't know why i can't just be normal with normal social skills, why do i have to be sneaky to try and get a new friends number cause i think she is cool and instead of asking for it i just take it down without telling her. I mean maybe she did the same but she seems too cool to even bother with that kind of thing cause i bet she makes friends really easily and doesn't need to desperately scramble to take down a number that i would probably never text in fear of rejection lollllll

Ugh it even seems like i am in love with her but it's just not like that at all, and i'm just fucked and stupid and i just want to make a friend!!
its just so rare for me to meet someone who doesn't make me want to escape conversation and abort as quickly as possible cause i know i'm being reeled into something shitty and stupid and painful cause i have to try and find a fake laugh that doesn't make me sound crazy or desperate even though i want to pull a Family Chanel stunt and say "hey look at that guy over there!" and then run and avoid them 4E V E R so it never happens again.

Anyway, she seems nice enough not to be weirded out by an invitation to hang out outside of work. Like now weve moved on to going for cigarette breaks together even though she doesn't really smoke. Liiike we've have been noticeably evolving in to something beautiful loll i meannnn this can't be it like now that sometimes we discuss our personal lives or she tells me how she can't wait to go home and drink whiskey to forget about how her day way ruined by coming in for a 4 hour shift, it's like there's this tension of ....do we say "we should hang out sometime" orrr is that too soon orrrr would hanging out be weird? I feel like it's coming lODLOl and her boyfriend comes to visit her at work sometimes and i kind of hope they are a packaged deal because he seems funny and cool too. He's not like a DUDE. He has big puffy curly fro hair and is chubby and it doesn't make me mad that she is dating him cause he doesn't make me uncomfortable with some kind of shitty overbearing masculinity.

She also seemed cool enough to appreciate I Kill You idk idk idk this is stupid
It actually got to the point where i was so ready to move our work relationship to the next level that i went over to the bakery, snuck by the crazy asian working there and tried to find the schedule book with a list of phone numbers to get a hold of the people who work there
onllyy i couldn't find it and the asian man saw me and i had to make up an excuse about why i was in there. i said "uhh do you like.. have a schedule back here somewhere, i need to know when Cyndi works next..." as i was making my way back out of the department
whiiich got me caught in a stupid conversation with the asian (whom i can nooot understand in the least) asking me questions and telling me helpful yet useless information for my lie lolol and trying to help me by reciting her entire schedule (INCLUDING HIS OWN) and you know how asians stutter a lot and get confused by even themselves talking and like i probably shouldn't have done it at all lol cause i just feel kind of weird and dumb now.
Which reminds me..

The other day we were talking and she asked me if i had friends that suggest i should be doing something with my life. To which i replied with "slightly", and then "yeah, i guess."
She proceeded to tell me that when she was 19 she really wanted to have a fruit stand in her truck and just sell fruit for a living. She said "No one knows what they want to do when they are 19. When you're 19 and figure out your life you have a mental break down in your 40s"
We also discussed beer for a bit and i told her i don't like to drink when i'm at home because my step mom tries to imply i'm an alcoholic or something. She asked "WHAT is an alcoholic even?

So Vern's was cool anyways i mean it wasn't PARTY WAcKY FUN but i just really like being in those situations i guess where it's dim and its too loud to hear anything so you don't have to worry about making conversation or make sure your friends are having fun. And if you think of something hilarious to say to someone else in the peanut gallery you can raise your voice, if you want to. Some bands played way too fucking long and the songs sounded the same and got really boring and I KILL YOU gets moved to the back and it was making me soooo mad internally cause as it got later people started leaving and there wasn't going to be enough people to appreciate them and it just made me stressed out and really fucking annoyed.
I hope there is a CD in that making idk why but for some reason i find them very relaxing to listen to like i just want to close my eyes and listen and dance and the set is always too short.
Theres my one favorite song but Rachel never cuts in to notify the audience of the song titles and starts telling stupid wacky crazy stories relating (KIND OF?) to the title thats just stupid and annoying to listen to and did i mention stupid and idiotic?
WE ARE SOOOO RANDOM NUCLEAR FISH FROM THE SIMPSONS !! SHOES!!! AH AH THIS ONES ABOUT MY PROFESSOR, THIS ONES ABOUT HOW IM SHITTY AND OBNOXIOUS, THIS ONES ABOUT HOW IM TOO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR MY OWN GOOD, THIS ONES ABOUT HOW I PROBABLY TELL PEOPLE IM A FEMINIST AND JUDGE OTHER GIRLS I'M THREATENED BY, THIS ONES ABOUT HOW I'M SO TRANSLUCENT IN TRYING TO DELIVER THE SHOCK VALUE THAT GIRLS CAN PLAY GUITAR!!!!!!!! HOW UNHEARD OF, THIS ONES ABOUT MY SHITTY METAL RIFFS, THIS ONES ABOUT HOW I PROBABLY HATE MYSELF AND NEED TO PROVE TO EVERYONE THAT I DON'T, OUR LAST ONE IS ABOUT HOW THIS LEOPARD DIED FOR MY CRAZY TOP, THANK YOU, BUY STEPH A SHOT BYE

Oh hoh today is valentimes day.............







jk valentines day hHahHAHAHAhHAHHaHhaHAH
i got tiffany a heart shaped box of chocolates that said "You're DINO- MITE!!!!"
It sums up how i feel about her perfectly! xoxo

Note to self, Stop dipping into damage deposit funds.

bye