One of these days I have got to realize that my menstrual cycle comes once a week,
and therefore the epitome of sadness that is my entire being cannot possibly all be due to a fluctuation in hormone levels although that's really what I wish it was because then maybe I could just take iron and sleep for a couple days and be back to normal
maybe this is growing up, and maybe if you think about it too much depression is inevitable, essentially, and i guess maybe this is something I could control, if I really wanted to, but here I always come back to the comfort in being sad, and I think this is a good example of a sentence fragment but I'm not sure
I need a job, I need some friends, I need to live alone with out any one without any cats and either get better or go crazy but either way, in both cases, nothing you feel matters anyways right
you make me so happy but it goes away when I'm alone and the longer I'm alone the more I like it and if I like to be alone that means I'll always find the easy way out and if I'm just going to do that anyways then why am i even alive you know
It sucks to cry about how every one lets you down and you can ignore how many people you've let down on two hands but it doesn't matter because everyones a fucking narcissist to some fucking degree and everyone sucks, and everyones self motivated and egoistic. Some people are better at hiding it than others, and some people are better at making it seem like they care the most by acting like they don't and humans are so drawn to shit like that it really makes you wonder why
Right now I have nothing in particular to look forward to, at all, and I suppose this could be temporary but the possibility of permanency is always looming anyways and I guess that's why I'm so skeptical about everything because there's just always been this darkness to my being looming around in the background of EVERYTHING nice that could ever happen or I could ever feel. I mean maybe it's anxiety? I dunno, I don't really know what else disguises itself in that kind of way, or what other thing looms like that? I suppose its pessimism, if nothing else, but what is the point of anyone trying to be happy then? Why aren't we ALL just miserable all the time? Maybe we are, I dunno, but at least I'm nice. At least if I die, I'll be remembered for being nice.
Maybe I could stop this and maybe I'll feel better in a couple days but who knows or cares i just don't understand how some people can just be like,so excited about stuff all the time when like they don't know when they're going to die, or if something really terrible is going to happen within the next few years or so or if some sort of tragedy will strike their lives any moment, ... Do people not constantly dwell on things like this? And if not, how? WHY? How come? That is so unfair i could puke
Maybe though, this is just a build up of emotions I've been feelingforthe last 3 months or so and maybe blogging really is an appropriate outlet? It lets you see how insane and pathetic you look, how can you even type when you are sitting so deep in a pool of incredible self loathing.... oh and i really hope that was just about withdrawal and it wasn't personal, you know?
Anyways i guess i just don't have anyone to talk to anymore and i'mnot on particularly good terms with anyone right now, and all i do is bite my lip and chew it, and then worry about smoking with raw lips and how everyone is moving so quickly away from me and it always sucks to be the one left behind you know?and not the one leaving things... because when you're leaving something it seems insignificant and it feels right and you feel better than everyone, even though no one will EVER admit that's what they feel when they are going on to the key steps of really pursuing a dream or something getting a really great career and stuff
And you don't even have time to look back or care because you are moving on to better things, and you don't eeeven have to care about the little ones anymore, you don't even think about them, it just happens
Guilty?
And I'm sorry to who ever my victim(s) was(were) because it sucks but there is nothing you can really do about it, and i mean why should you care if it cannot be reciprocated anyways?
"Friendships, in general, are suddenly contracted; and therefore it is no wonder they are easily dissolved"
Joseph Addison
Maybe i should be really trying to make friends and have a good time at university but it's so hard, i feel like in order to make friends ill have to let everything i stand for fall a bit, just so i can be on the same page with SOMEONE, SORT OF? And then i contemplate its worth and then i realize the amount of silence going on between me and that person has been going on too long anyways so trying to talk now would just be, uncomfortable.
Maybe i don't even stand for anything worthwhile, in particular, besides racism sexism and homophobia and stuff like that
Maybe making friends isn't hard
I also notice i go through these phases like the thought of drinking makes me sick and I'll look for excuses not to drink, and same with smoking, and then I'll feel better, like not so sick or depressed and I'll want to drink or smoke again, is that weird?
Anyways, i have been losing copious amounts of blood since Thursday so I'm really tired and I'll probably wake up at 12pm tomorrow, after i scare myself to sleep with thoughts of death and how I'm running low on money with no job in hindsight, lol I'm such a treat!
^___________________________________^
C U
